People Worse Than Us

PWTU Up Close And Personal, Part I : Konica

2006-07-18T20:37:00.000-04:00

And now, after a much-needed hiatus, we present to you the first of our own, personal accounts of struggle, strife, and ultimate redemption.

Konica 2820's Roommate Pleads: "Give My Copier Back"

UNDISCLOSED, Michigan (CNN) -- The woman who shares an office with Konica 2820 made an impassioned plea to her coworker Brian Tuesday night, calling on him to "give my copy machine back to me."

After receiving the dire error code of F42 on late Monday evening, service technicians were told not to bother coming out to repair the ailing machine. No toner or other necessities were provided effective the afternoon of March 28 under court order, and the service techs have predicted the out-dated, poorly-performing copy machine would die in the next few days.

Its officemate, ring., uttered two sentences at a news conference: "Brian and Dan, you have your own means of making copies – your fax machine, for instance. Please, please give my copier back to me."

The woman was addressing her coworkers Brian and Dan, who have from the beginning of this tragedy maintained that the machine has seen its last reproduced order form or invoice.

Late Tuesday, George Feos, the lawyer for Brian, issued a written statement saying, "The courts have repeatedly said this case is not about ring., Brian or any other third party. It's about this copy machine, Konica, and its own wishes not to be kept alive artificially."

Brian maintains the copier would not want to be kept alive in its condition, which technicians have ruled that, suffering from an F-42 error code (i.e. The "Death Knoll" of copiers) the machine would never again function at anywhere near its intended capacity. ring., however, claims it could improve with intense therapy, routine maintenace and "a little bit of TLC".

ring. was surrounded by supporters Wednesday night outside the office complex in UNDISCLOSED, including a woman carrying a sign that read, "Cowardly Brian!"

ring. contends the entire office could have done more to save their copy machine, although they repeatedly told her that they had done everything they could legally and ethically do. "What we are afraid of is that in saving the Konica, what would we unintentionally be creating?" Dan told Devin Scillian. "The regret would be far too much, and we are emotionally unable to continue watching the suffering of this dignified machine."

Felos said Tuesday night he visited the copier about 6:30 p.m. He said its normally bright-green lights were a dull, matte amber color, its toner completely "dried and crusted," but that it was being cared for by well-trained workers who are fond of it.

Felos said it has a stuffed toy animal poking out from its cover and that there are religious pictures, rosaries, and little religious figurines surrounded by lit candles in its office room, describing the setting as "very calm and peaceful."

His description differs from that of ring., who contends that the Konica is suffering and that its condition shows in its jammed paper tray and numerous inky blots.

ring. said after visiting the machine that "it's failing" but "doing darn good under the circumstances. I wiped it down with a dry cloth and spoke to it for a while. They say that even in these condition, the machines can hear and that they do understand. Perhaps they even take some comfort from it."

The Rev. Patrick Mahoney, a conservative copy machine activist who has helped spearhead protests for ring. and her supporters, stood outside the office park with a handful of people.

When the Konica 2820 story ends, he said, "The campaign after that final chapter is written is: Never again."

CNN's A. Nuss and Joe Mahma contributed to this report.

People Worse Than Us Lives!

2006-07-05T12:10:00.000-04:00

Contrary to widely circulated reports, neither this blog nor its favorite American Hero, Mr. Kenneth Lay, are dead. That's right, Ken Lay lives! And as long as he does, people worse than us always will, too.

God bless you, Mr. Lay!

(Incorrect Source)

Hump Day Mish-Mash 3

2006-06-28T09:15:00.000-04:00

...it was with muted shock that we at PWTU learned of the Senate's failure to pass an anti flag-burning amendment to our constitution on Tuesday night. Shocking indeed: who would have thought there were 34 Senators smart enough to reject this bullcrap? Incidentally, there are 48-Democrats in the Senate right now-- we never said that all Democrats are smart.

...perhaps surpassing our shock at the flag-burning issue was the announcement made by Senate minority leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) that he'd heard about our minimum-wage rage. He now promises to prevent a wage-increase for members of Congress unless minimum wage for people who actually need it goes up, too. Something tells us no one's gettin' paid this year, Senator, but thanks anyway!

...on a more serious note, apparently Paris Hilton's new song is going to debut on the Billboard Hot 100 in the Top 10. See what hard-work, right-living, and grainy homemade sex-videos can get you, kids?

...finally, remember our war with Metafilter? Yeah, that still rages, and we continue to fight the good fight. If we weren't so STD-ridden we would have certainly crushed them underneath our heel by now, but things happen, you know? Gots to take care o' dem weird groin-itches, first, friends!!

(Hump Day 2)

PWTU Celebrates: National HIV Testing Day

2006-06-27T11:10:00.000-04:00

Today, PWTU joins such luminaries as Selma Hayek, Nick Cannon and Dennis Haysbert in recognizing and promoting National HIV Testing Day. Yesterday, our staff held an informal poll and were shocked and dismayed to discover that the vast majority of us have never--not once!-- had an HIV test done before. A second informal poll revealed it was clearly not because PWTU staffers lead mundane sex lives, either; it seemed to be due to sheer laziness served up with a dash of ignorance.

Which is why, in honor of National HIV Testing Day, we here at PWTU embarked on our first official field trip-- to our county's Health Department for anonymous/confidential HIV screening.
Well, anonymous/confidential to a degree. In the spirit of hoping to remove some of the stigma from this horrid disease, we reached a near-unanimous agreement to put our results on little folded-up pieces of paper in a baseball cap (sort of anonymous, right?) then create the cliche-yet-beloved pie chart demonstrating our results.

Needless to say, we were a bit disappointed by the statistics. We have since (since this morning, that is), taken extraordinary measures to protect the clean, non-infected of our ranks from coming into contact with what we affectionaly have began referring to as the "walking dead" amongst us... the anonymous walking dead.

Way Too Easy

2006-06-27T06:15:00.000-04:00

The ol' elephant trunk looking kinda limp there, lately? It certainly must have to Rush Limbaugh, and probably on more than one occasion. According to the AP the right-wing propagandist was detained at Palm Beach International Airport after authorities found a bottle of prescription pills that didn't belong to him with his belongings. What kind of pills? Vicodin? Oxicotton? Some other kind of opiate?

Nope, even better: Viagra.

That's right, Viagra! You can't make this stuff up. Apparently the Republican point-man, the man with his finger on the pulse of Conservative America, has been lacking an important "pulse" of his own, lately.

Oh Lord, this is too funny to even write about anymore. We're going to go ahead and post this entry anyway, but the PWTU staff reserves the right to add mocking one-liners throughout the day. Because, come on: an illegal prescription for Viagra? Hilarious.

(Source)

Republicans are Stupid

2006-06-23T09:32:00.000-04:00

At PWTU we have accused Republicans of being communists, we've attacked the right-wing's spokeswoman (Ann Coulter) of being a subsidized instrument of the conservative cause, and we were the first to prove that Jack Murtha (our new hero) was correct when he accused "Bush's Brain", Karl Rove, of having a fat ass. We've also called for the restoration of strong American labor unions, we've supported some of Stephen Colbert's more controversial remarks, and we've looked into some crazy environmentalism conspiracy theories.

Is it any wonder, then, that our Google AdSense ads are beginning to target Republican web-surfers?

Google claims that their ads are "related to what your visitors are looking for on your site or matched to the characteristics and interests of the visitors your content attracts". In other words, given the pictured example to your left (click to enlarge), Google must think the following:

1.) People worse than us are attracted to Republican material.
2.) The kind of people who surf through random blogs are lonely and single (and Republican).
3.) Anything having to do with Communism (we have a feeling that soon, very soon, the search term "how to become a communist") will attract record numbers of our Chinese visitors, our MetaFilter visitors, and most importantly, our Republican visitors.

Google must be right, because we're making money hand over fist with this blog. And unless the title of this particular entry puts an end to our new influx of cash, we hope to God Google doesn't make any changes to their AdSense algorithms any time soon.

Keep on clicking those Google ads, you Republican nuts! Or at least get yourselves a new ringtone or two-- they would most definitely impress your hot new date.

Communism, Stephen Colbert, Metafilter, Labor Unions

WTF: Minimum Rage

2006-06-22T09:26:00.000-04:00

Part One of PWTU's Ongoing Series: WTF?!

Where is the outrage? Why aren't people mad about this? Why isn't this frontpage news everywhere!?!

Yeah, we know: it was kinda-sorta reported on Tuesday that Congress had given itself a raise. But not even HuffPo, our favorite liberal news-blog, posted anything about how a day after this wage hike (despite record-low approval ratings) Congress rejected a Democrat-led effort to raise the minimum wage for ordinary Americans. It's been nine years since the last time Congress raised minimum wage to $5.15 an hour, and back then gas cost about a buck and a quarter a gallon. Nine years. And now Congress rejects efforts to finally raise it again, a day after giving itself a "cost of living" pay hike? Have they no shame?

And yeah, we know it was the House that gave itself the raise, and the Senate that rejected the minimum-wage hike, and that conservative morons will say that one things has nothing to do with the other. But we at PWTU disagree. And that's why we ask again: WTF??

(Source)

PWTU Celebrates: The First Day of Summer

2006-06-21T11:22:00.000-04:00

Today is summer solstice, the official first day of the season. We here at PWTU held a vote, and summer won as our favorite season by a comfortable margin:

And we also decided that who better to herald in the first day of the best season than deceased French novelist/playwright Jean-Paul Sartre, who would have turned 101 years old today?

The Meta-Struggle Continues

2006-06-19T20:19:00.000-04:00

They spammed our blog with gibberish meant to stifle open discussion. They flooded our inbox with threats such as "we have your five dollars, and your IP address" (it's 69.245.80.177 by the way). They made repeated ad hominem attacks in an attempt to crush our fighting spirit. And yet, after Metafilter's orchestrated and brazen assault on our humble little blog, we survive.

We survive despite the personal attacks and vicious threats; we survive despite their attempts to squash our site. But do not let the image to your left fool you: though our survival after their massive attack on our blog is a clear victory for us and for all who love freedom, the battle is far from over. In fact, even now the commies over at Metafilter solidify their control and intensify their book-burning techniques. In fact, Metifilter's leader himself has given up all pretense of being a freedom loving patriot: take a look at this page where an image of him, standing proud like Mao himself, can be found about halfway down. Why the mainstream media didn't cover the event portrayed here is yet another indication of Metafilter's growing control over the press. A 'brand new day,' indeed.

Some of us had our doubts about Metifilter's communist leanings before, but there can be no question in anyone's mind now that these Meta-heads plan nothing short of a communist dictatorship to rule over the entire Internet. Imagine a world where Google falls under their sway; imagine a world where making a bid on eBay is subject to their whims; imagine a world where all news is "filtered" through their site. Is that what anyone truly wants? A world ruled over by a God-hating, speech stifling, freedom-crushing "community weblog"? The thought terrifies us, which is why we must continue to fight against that awful day.

To borrow a line or two from Sir Winston S. Churchill, this victory of ours, though uplifting, is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. It may, however, be the end of the beginning.

(Our Declaration of War)

Karl Rove Has a "fat backside"?

2006-06-19T08:24:00.000-04:00

We were shocked too, but Rep. John Murtha (D-Pennsylvania) accused the President's senior advisor of as much during Sunday's Meet the Press. Murtha, a former U.S. Marine and decorated Vietnam War veteran, was responding to Rove's accusations that Democrats have a pattern of "cutting and running" in a speech he made last week. During that speech, Rove repeatedly attacked the Democratic party while contending that the war in Iraq must continue to be fought (until... you know, someday).

Murtha responded to Rove's retarded (er, mentally impaired) remarks on Tim Russert's Sunday program by saying (and we're not making this up), "[Rove]'s sitting in his air-conditioned office on his big, fat backside, saying stay the course. That's not a plan."

We at PWTU found it highly unlikely that a.) Rove has a fat backside and b.) that he ever sits on it. But the proof is in the pudding: a quick Google-image search brought up the above picture, proving Rep. Murtha's claim.

Mr. Murtha, please take note: we at PWTU shall never doubt you again!

(Source) (Murtha)

Kool Aid Drinkers

2006-06-18T08:08:00.000-04:00

Part One of PWTU's Ongoing Series: Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!!!

Yes, it's Sunday, a holy day of religious worship and rest. And though we at PWTU are generally "eh" about religion in general, we've always enjoyed getting the day off and have steadfastly resisted making any posts on this day.

Why the change? Well, today marks the 194th anniversary of the War of 1812 (clever title), and one PWTU staffer was adamant that we do a PWTU in History entry for the occasion. Frankly, though, most of us couldn't care less about some stupid war that occurred nearly two centuries ago. Since we promised this tearful-staffer an entry, though, we hereby present to you our first Sunday segment: a fascinating diatribe about Kool Aid (it's so much kooler than war!! get it?).

What is Kool Aid? To some it's that cheap but oh-so-delicious drink that many of us loved while growing up. Just add sugar, water, and a couple cubes of ice and it was almost (almost!) better than Mt. Dew. To others this drink symbolizes blind-obedience, absurd compliance, and outright insanity, mostly because of some psychos and hopped-up hippies who used the stuff for awesome-acid-trips/suicide back in the day. Thing is, though, most of us can remember a genuine love for the stuff, so hearing it referred to in a derogative manner is not only frustrating, but very, very sad. Especially when politics and/or hatred is thrown into the mix.

We at PWTU believe that Kool Aid is good stuff, and that references to it should always be positive. Have we been guilty of using it in a negative context? Most assuredly. But when conservatives refer to liberals as "Kool Aid drinkers" we get sad, and when liberals refer to ditto-heads (Rush Limbaugh listeners) as same, we get even sadder (we refuse to believe conservatives could ever have enjoyed the stuff).

So what say, between us and you, that we leave Kool Aid out of arguments once and forever? Kool Aid represents hot summers, laughing children, happiness, and good ol' sugary goodness. Dragging it into any nasty realm of discussion (such as politics) is uncalled for. And no, we weren't paid to say any of this (yet).

And that, friends, is our first random Sunday, Sunday, Sunday! entry. Was it completely irrelevant? Yep. Was it pretty lame? Sure. But on this Father's Day, wasn't it better than nothing at all? We'll let you be the judge.

FYIF: Randomosity

2006-06-16T13:56:00.000-04:00

Forbes Magazine has named Tom Cruise the most powerful star in its latest issue, blatantly overlooking the fact that he is insane…

… Detroit mayor Kwame Kilpatrick continues his quest to destroy the city of Detroit, announcing plans to raze Tiger Stadium and replace it with a strip mall…

…Tupac would have turned 35 today (or is he actually out celebrating it right now?)…

…and finally, we leave you to ponder this bizarre headline from CNN: Severed head flies from truck in 'bizarre and tragic' collision.

The Great Patriotic War Against Metafilter

2006-06-16T08:08:00.000-04:00

PWTU's Second War
Part Four of PWTU's Ongoing Series: The Commies Are Coming

Regular visitors to this site will notice something different this morning: on your left, under our Fair and Balanced Link Roll, the entry for the webpage Metafilter is no longer there. Why would we remove the 25th most popular outgoing link from our blog? Simple: after deep reflection upon the evidence at hand we came to realize that Metafilter, a "community weblog", is actually communist in nature. Frankly we're ashamed it took us this long to realize the truth, but better late than never (or so many a menstruating woman has told us before).

Ahem. Anyway, because the Red Menace must be utterly wiped off the face of the globe (you're next, Belarus) the PWTU staff has voted unanimously to declare war on this scourge of the Internet. And as with our previous war (which ended with the humiliating capitulation of the enemy after only three days) we feel it necessary to explain to the world our reasons for this drastic action. After all, it's easy to make allegations about someone's communist leanings (so very, very easy); it's another thing entirely to prove them.

But we can prove them. Take for example the fact that Metafilter puports to be "community based", which suggests they consider everyone equal. That suggests that they feel everyone has a say, implying that they're democratic. Problem is that after you try to actually register for the site (so that you can post comments or suggest links) you discover they actually believe some people are "more equal than others": those of us willing to pay $5 get to actually complete their registration while those lacking the funds are basically told to take a hike.

And this sort of capitalism would be fine! We wouldn't mind them trying to make an honest buck or two off their site. The problem is that the monies they demand go to an exclusively small group whilst they pretend it contributes to the benefits of all.

In short, their system is designed to deny the real community, the community of all Internet-goers, from having a voice in what occurs on their site. Theirs is a one-party system , to be sure, and good luck joining that party (even if you smack down five hard-earned dollars).

The other symptom of Metafilter's communist disease is their use of secret police and totalitarian-like strong-arming. In the interest of full-disclosure we will be honest here: recently one PWTU staffer attempted to submit a link on this red-rag of a web-page, a link to our humble little blog. And the post went up, as it should, for about ten minutes before it was torn down-- utterly removed with nary an explanation by some Gestapo-like figure. Although this staffer had paid his $5 and had been a member since months before, his link went up and came down just like that.

There was no recourse: no appeal, no nothing. Not even a name of a person to contact to protest the link's removal. In other words, this particular PWTU staffer was not as equal as the shadowy figure who arbitrarily decided to deny his contribution.

Metafilter pretends to embrace a democratic form of link-sharing but doesn't even come close. We at PWTU understand the need to prevent spammers and their ilk from ruining a good site, but that goal can be accomplished without heavy-handed techniques when you allow a free and fair market to determine which links stay and which links go. On a "community based" weblog the people visiting it should be able to judge each submission on its own merits. And if and when an administrator should decide a particular post needs removal, some sort of recourse must be given to the submitter.

Otherwise it's just totalitarian, pretentious, and patently communist. And that's exactly what Metafilter has proven itself to be. We at PWTU urge everyone out there to spread the word: if you love freedom and abhor communist dictatorships, visit sites like I Am Bored, In4Mador, and del.icio.us instead of Meta-whatevah until, at least, we triumph in our war; as triumph we must...

...as triumph we shall. And as always, better dead than red!

(PWTU's First War) (Commies Are Coming Part Three)

PWTU Birthday Honorees: Neil Patrick Harris

2006-06-15T15:03:00.000-04:00

Although at thirty-three years old, he is no longer a kid (as the shocking pictures above clearly attest), we can't help but to think of him that way. On his smash-hit TV series, "Doogie Howser, MD", Harris charmed and engrossed his large fan base on a weekly basis.

But perhaps even more memorable than his role as the child-genius turned doctor was the opening credits of the show, whose song would remain stuck in your head for days (if you were lucky):

(Source) (Source)
(Previous Honoree)

Fathers Worse Than Ours

2006-06-14T22:36:00.000-04:00

With Father's Day just around the corner we at PWTU have been busy shopping for our dads. This year we decided to create a line of cards for people with less than perfect dads (we know there are a lot of them out there). Enjoy, then, the first series of exclusive People Worse Than Us greeting cards: Father's Day edition.

(Click to Enlarge)

Another Stoney High?

2006-06-14T13:48:00.000-04:00

When I first read the headline for this story I was sure it had to be about Michigan's favorite half-baked high school, Stoney Creek High in Rochester Hills, MI. But though this story also comes from a midwestern state, Stoney High is off the hook for this one (though I'm sure similar things occur at Stoney High that never get reported).

Apparently in Orland Park, Illinois a school bus driver has been charged with selling marijuana to a teenage passenger on not one, but several occasions. And before you say, "Hey, that's illegal!", don't worry: the Orland Police Department are well aware of the law and it looks like the dealer-driver, Margaret Fittante, is going to pay for her God-awful crime. The system works!

(Source)

Hump Day Mish-Mash 2

2006-06-14T09:02:00.000-04:00

...look to the left for a second. That's a screenshot from an actual offer on NewsMax.com, the ultra-rightwing news magazine. They're willing to sell you Ann Coulter's new book, which retails on Amazon.com for $16.77, for just under $5!! In addition you will receive four free issues of the print version of NewsMax (cancel any time!). I wonder if "promotions" like these are part of the reason why Coulter's latest piece of crap-on-paper is the #1 nonfiction book in the U.S. right now?

...does Ken Mehlman have a heart? On tonight's Daily Show with Jon Stewart the RNC chairman said that part of the reason why Republicans are having so many problems right now is because of "arrogance and corruption". He sounded so sincere that he almost (almost) seemed like an actual human being. This is going to give us nightmares for sure.

...Al Gore was on Larry King Live tonight, and though we're not big fans of his state we genuinely like the former Vice President. But please, Mr. Gore, stop saying you've "moved on" since the 2000 mis-election when you clearly haven't; we would much rather see you get pissed off! We're getting tired of waiting for the big explosion you've obviously been building up for years... please erupt now. It would so rule.

...finally, we at PWTU are incredibly pumped right now: not since the Canton Ikea store opening have we felt so optimistic about the future of the Michigan economy! You see, the city of Wayne in the great state of Michigan recently announced that they will be holding a city-garage sale at the infamous Wayne Parking Structure. Now, the current entry in WikiPedia for Wayne, MI mentions nothing of this parking structure (it reports instead on a supposed resurgence in downtown development), but our intrepid PWTU staffers remember a much different entry for the city not long ago. Apparently someone changed the wiki-entry for the booze-ridden metro-Detroit burb, trying to remove the facts that Wayne has many "dive bars" (it does), too many "antique shops" (it does), and a parking structure that was built in a prominent location but never used (seriously). Despite this glazing-over of Wayne's historical facts, though, we at PWTU are excited that the city is promoting the structure at long last. Here's to many downtown flea-markets to come.

(Hump-Day 1)

Ann Coulter, Jon Stewart, Michigan

WWPWTUD - A Surprise for Aunt Irene

2006-06-13T11:35:00.000-04:00

Part Five in PWTU's Ongoing Series

DEAR ABBY: I have a suggestion for "Wondering in Cleveland," whose Aunt Irene goes prowling through drawers during family gatherings. Rather than excluding her from future family get-togethers, how about leaving notes in all the drawers that say something like, "Hello, Aunt Irene. We hope that all our drawers pass your inspection!"
That ought to embarrass her enough to get her to cut it out without having to actually confront her. -- DAUGHTER OF ANOTHER SNOOP IN KENTUCKY

DEAR DAUGHTER OF ANOTHER SNOOP IN KENTUCKY: While your idea would probably make Aunt Irene blush and stop for a second, most likely she would then brush aside the note and keep right on snooping.
May we suggest a far better alternative: load all the drawers and cabinets up with hardcore, gay porn. Imagine Aunt Irene's shock as she opens the medicine cabinet for a peek, only to be greeted with two cowboys "riding bareback".
Of course, there are some dangers in this idea, the largest being the significant chance of Aunt Irene keeling over and dying. But hey, the bitch deserves it!

(Previous Column)

PWTU Birthday Honorees: The Olsen Twins

2006-06-13T10:30:00.000-04:00

Today we honor the 20th birthdays of America's favorite twins, Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen, above (Ashley's the fat one).

From their humble beginnings portraying Michelle Tanner on the beloved family sitcom Full House, to their current jobs of looking like bag ladies and dating men twice their height, the Olsens always give us something to talk about.
And we, for one, were shocked when New York Minute didn't explode at the box office.

Happy birthday, Mary-Kate and Ashley!

(Previous Honoree) (Related Full-House News)

PWTU in History: Miranda's Warning

2006-06-13T10:02:00.000-04:00

Part Seven of PWTU's Ongoing Series

Remember the good ol' days when cops could arrest someone, interrogate them without pesky lawyers around for hours, fabricate evidence, lie, and basically do and say whatever they wanted in order to get a suspect to confess? If your answer is "yes" then you must have been born long before 1966 (or you live in the south). That year-- on this day, in fact!-- a handful of United States Supreme Court activist judges decided to insist that all suspects be informed of their so-called "constitutional rights" prior to being questioned by police.

Miranda himself is long dead by now, but his legacy lives on in the form of the "Miranda warning" all suspects are to be read prior to questioning by police. And we at PWTU applaud this legacy, all joking aside: everyone, even scumbags, should at least know what their rights are. The frustrating thing is that this guy, this poster-child for police-restraint and constitutional rights, was a total slimeball who actually deserved to be in prison! Making things worse, it turns out that Mr. Ernesto Miranda (above left) bears a disturbing resemblance to our hero Al Franken. How disturbing.

Regardless of all that, though, 40-years ago today some cops predicted that the High Court's decision would make it easier for guilty persons to go free. Instead, the Miranda warning has proven to be great fodder for network crime dramas, which is probably the real reason we at PWTU are so fond of it.

(Source) (Part Six in Series)

Adorable Ethnic Cleansing

2006-06-12T21:47:00.000-04:00

We at PWTU frown upon the mass-murder of entire groups of people, but smile upon learning new ways to make our blog annoyi-- eh, cool. Anyway, here's a test-post-turned-permanent, embedded with a video from everyone's favorite copyright-infringer, YouTube. Enjoy!

MySpace Morons: Michigan and the Middle East

2006-06-12T11:49:00.000-04:00

Part One of PWTU's Ongoing Series
In a scheme worthy of the master himself, Zach Morris, a Michigan teenager hatched quite the plan to meet her online boyfriend 6000 miles away in the Middle East. How’d she do it? Simple. First she convinced her Mom that she required a passport to join her friend’s family on a trip to Canada (no such trip existed, of course). Next the girl, Katherine Lester, 16, got her online-beau (whom she’d met on MySpace) to order her a one-way ticket to Israel. Next she simply snuck out of her house and boarded a plane.

Nothing makes us at PWTU prouder to be from the Great Lakes State then when our teenage population proves it’s just as conniving, manipulative, and stupid as all the other teens our great nation produces. So kudos to you, Ms. Lester! And remember to thank whatever god you believe in that the Feds caught up with you before this Jordanian weirdo did: something tells us it wouldn’t have been an ending suitable for Saved By the Bell…
(Source)

Canadian Invasion!

2006-06-09T15:00:00.000-04:00

Since PWTU has opened for business (one month ago tomorrow, no less!), we of course have been fortunate enough to enjoy occasional visits by Canadians. While we admittedly sometimes take shots at our neighbors to the north, we have to admit that underneath our rough exterior beats a heart that is quite fond of those folks. After all, where else did we get to go drink—legally—at the tender age of nineteen? What up, Windsor!

And now we have another reason to laud Canada: we were quite flattered to find, via our Sitemeter, that a Torontoan named fluffhead77 finds our site so entertaining that he had to share it with his Canadian friends. So on behalf of all of us here at PWTU, thanks fluffhead77; its Friday, bitches!

Canada Underage Drinking

FYIF: Week in Review

2006-06-09T09:51:00.000-04:00

Part One in PWTU's Ongoing Series: Fuck Yeah It's Friday!

...our good friends over at Le Gossip posted their first-ever Podcast. Stephen!, author of the celeb-gossip blog, said of his first-ever foray into Podcasting: " I say um a lot and cuss so much! ahh!" That's cool, Stephen-- there's nothing wrong with cussin' (it shows that you keep it real ).

...at Ghetto Stupidity blogger t. durden contends that Ann Coulter is the Anti-Christ... and he makes some good points to prove it.

...here's a good entry for Fucked Up Republican of the Week: the AP reported yesterday that California Congressman Dana Rohrabacher plans on holding hearings to determine whether or not there was a "foreign connection" to the Oklahoma City bombing that killed 168 Americans in 1995. That's right: Rohrabacher thinks that McVeigh might not have acted alone, but with "foreign" help. We at PWTU hope Rohrabacher looks into possible foreign connections in some other terrible crimes next, crimes like Columbine (bin Laden was clearly involved), the murder of Nicole Simpson (it was Sadaam!), and the killings of the Yates' children (it had to be Mahmoud Ahmadinejad).

...we read over at the Red Tape Chronicles that a Flordia man brought his defective hard-drive to Best Buy for repair only to find out later (after being told he needed to replace it) that the drive was re-sold to a stranger in Chicago (with the drive still containing all his info). Our question: why would anyone trust Best Buy's "geek squad" in the first place?

...finally, we at PWTU are big fans of all things Google, so when they launched their online-spreadsheet program (designed to rival Microsoft's Excel) earlier this week we got really excited. Well, last night we got our chance to finally give it a try and we have to say that although it looks pretty neat, it obviously still needs some work. Here's hoping it lives up to its potential by the time it's out of beta-release!

Ann Coulter Republicans Google Friday

Get a Life

2006-06-08T10:36:00.000-04:00

Yep, this is pretty much what we expected the shopping-crazed Ikea customers to look like:

Source

Michigan National Guard Gets a Hummer

2006-06-08T09:30:00.000-04:00

The Michigan National Guard has had three humvees stolen from its Olympia Armory on McGraw in Detroit over the last few weeks. You read that correctly: according to the Detroit Free Press, "...thieves scaled two barbed-wire-topped fences and cut thick chains securing the steering wheels" to steal these military vehicles. Now, what we can't decide is what's more fucked up: that teens could steal these humvees under the nose of the National Guard, or that they could actually get away with it for awhile (and use one to rob a store, too)?

We at PWTU feel that these thieves shouldn't be punished for the thefts, but hailed as the patriots they are for exposing this lapse in military security. I mean, if the National Guard can't protect their own cars (someone should tell them about The Club), how are they supposed to secure our border with Mexico?

Or Canada, that's right: us Michiganders worry more about those bastard Canadian immigrants...

(Source)

WWPWTUD - Tellin' It Like It Is

2006-06-08T09:08:00.000-04:00

Part Four in PWTU's Ongoing Series

Today we tackle a mother's misguided worrying about her friends' son, who sounds really cool.

DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend, "Cathy," whose 11-year-old son, "Evan," is a friend of my son, "Noah." Evan has always been a name-caller. He constantly uses words like "stupid," "idiot" and "butthead" when talking to my son, but Noah has always laughed it off or told him to cut it out.

Today Noah told me he no longer wants to play with Evan because Evan is such a name-caller. Evan's habit apparently doesn't bother Cathy, since Evan constantly calls his baby sister the same names, and Cathy doesn't seem to notice. She is, however, worried about Evan's socializing at school because no one seems to like him.

How do I approach her about this problem, and mention that her son's name-calling is the reason Noah doesn't want to be with him anymore -- and probably part of the reason Evan is not very popular at school -- without causing discord between us? -- PUZZLED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

Dear PUZZLED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE: Unlike you, we're not going to ramble on and on in our reply. The bottom line is that it sounds like Evan has, at his tender age, already figured out that people generally suck, and oftentimes are buttheads, idiots, and stupid. Right now it might bother others that he keeps it so real, but trust us, it will pay off big-time down the road.

And his baby sister is lucky to have a cool brother like Evan.

Previous Column

Tags: stupidity, realism

PWTU in History: The Secession We Wish had Stuck

2006-06-08T07:02:00.000-04:00

Part Six of PWTU's Ongoing Series

One-hundred and forty-five years ago today the great sovereign state that is Tennessee officially seceded from these United States. Some of our great-grandparents probably remember this momentous day, a day of celebration across the North-- and a day of deep mourning across the South.

Yes, nobody wanted Tennessee, but someone had to take the bastard child, and her rough upbringing by an unloving parent led the state to indulge in all manner of rebellion. Evidence of this reckless youth is present even today: the Grand Ole Opry, Nashville, Keith Urban/Nicole Kidman, huge yard-sales, and of course, lovely, lovely racism. See what happens when you rear a child wrongly, friends?

Sure, Tennessee isn't all bad. Al Gore is from there... and Morgan Freeman is, too! And we at PWTU would never forget that Dolly Parton hails from the region as well (what up Dollywood?!?). Still, had we lost the great War Between the States, the permanent loss of this ill-gotten child would have been the silver lining.

Tennessee, we'll always love you the way an alcoholic red-neck loves his pissed off, stupid, brain-dead, step-child.

(Source) (Part Five of Series)

Ikea Now!

2006-06-07T09:19:00.000-04:00

Part Three of PWTU's Ongoing Series: The Resurrection of Michigan

The Ikea in Canton, Michigan is finally opening this morning. As reported here yesterday we at PWTU would have loved to have camped out in line with the hundreds of Michiganders who couldn't wait for the Swedish store to open, but we have jobs. With Michigan's economy the way it is, though, we probably won't have that problem the next time an Ikea opens...

Actually, that last comment makes us sound pretty cynical. In truth we actually believe Michigan is on the verge of a huge economic recovery, and the Ikea store is part of the reason. Just look at the following chart our staff came up with this morning for our ongoing series, The Resurrection of Michigan:

See? Before Ikea, Michigan is in a slump. By September, though, retail sales will be soaring. You read it here first!

(Source) (Part Two of Series)

Just Another Conservative Douche

2006-06-06T23:27:00.000-04:00

Tonight on the Daily Show Jon Stewart decided to truly challenge a conservative pundit. We like Stewart a lot, but sometimes he tries too hard to be gracious for even the vilest of fundamentalist whackos. Not tonight. Here's a great exchange they had over gay marriage:

Bennett: "It comes down to whether or not you believe marriage is between one man, and one woman."

Stewart: "No, it comes down to whether or not you believe homosexuality is a part of the natural human condition, or whether or not you believe it's just a random fetish."

Wow... he almost rivaled Matt Lauer on Ann Coulter this morning.

...just kidding.

Update: The good people over at Crooks and Liars have the video and a full transcript of the Stewart exchange with Bennett.

PWTU Birthday Honoree: Sandra Bernhard

2006-06-06T15:41:00.000-04:00

Who better to be PWTU's birthday honoree today, on the mark of the beast, than Ms. Sandra Bernhard? Not only is this woman scary looking enough to be a devil herself but she also hails from Flint, Michigan, a city that's a little like Hell on Earth. Trust us, the place is a slime-hole.

Speaking of slime-holes, most of us here at PWTU first became aware of Ms. Bernhard's existance back in the mid-90's. At that time she became a recurring character on that blue-collar sitcom, Roseanne, and we're pretty sure she's the one who had to kiss Roseanne (though we can't be sure). Yuck.

In any event, Ms. Bernhard never quite "made it" as a mainstream celeb. We think it had something to do with the bad acting (or horrifying appearance). But from one Michigander to another, happy 51st anyway, Sandra! Now please stop staring at us.

(Source) (Previous Honoree)

Babies are People, Too

2006-06-06T11:13:00.000-04:00

...well, maybe not this one. Seriously, how freaky is this? A three-armed baby?!? They removed the arm but still, that child will never be normal.

Maybe it would have been better if they had just allowed him to fulfill his destiny as the world's first Chinese mutant-- he might have grown up to be a superhero. On the other hand, the thought of those commie-jerks having their own X-Men is scary, so I guess the surgery was a good idea after all.

(Source)

Swede Freaks

2006-06-06T09:19:00.000-04:00

Part Two of PWTU's Ongoing Series
Outside of what is arguably the ugliest building to be constructed in Canton, Michigan in the city's 172-year history, a bunch of people with way too much time on their hands have already begun lining up for Ikea's grand opening tomorrow morning. Not since Revenge of the Sith has an event exposed so many socially awkward people with incredibly strange priorities in life. To be fair, though, the people willing to waste a couple days in line for the Swedish retailers first Michigan store will be rewarded with prizes, with the first 100 people receiving $79 chairs and other miscellaneous gifts. When you think about it, though, these people would have to earn less than $5 an hour to make a $79 prize worth the time off work. With such small incomes, no wonder these people are excited about buying cheap furniture...

(Source) (Part One of Series)

Dehumanizing? Damn.

2006-06-06T00:04:00.000-04:00

Well, it's been a mere 12-hours since the staff of PWTU voted unanimously to join Stephen Colbert in his denunciation of slavery and, you guessed it, everyone else has decided to join us. Who's everyone else, you ask? Why, the United States government, that's who (with "else" equaling "Germany", btw).

It's amazing to us, though, that it took them even that long. Slavery was a destructive, evil practice that this nation allowed to continue for far too long. And unlike these Johnny-come-latelys, we at PWTU were helping form this bandwagon long before "World Cup sex" became a buzz-word (or buzz-phrase?).

Even though we were clearly in the right long before they were, we at PWTU are glad that CNN, the AP, Reuters, and everyone else who recently realized that slavery is wrong, now join us in our disdain for it. Good for you, everyone else; good for you.

(Source)

Colbert: Slavery "was wrong"

2006-06-05T12:20:00.000-04:00

On Saturday, June 3 2006, Stephen Colbert gave the commencement address for students at Knox College in Illinois. In a speech reminiscent of his White House Correspondents Dinner appearance, Mr. Colbert boldly declared that he believes slavery "was wrong".

We at PWTU couldn't agree more, and we would like to go on the record right now as being totally anti-slavery ourselves. Not only was it wrong, it was downright rude, and we don't think it should ever be implemented again.

(Source)

WWPWTUD - You're Awesome...SIKE!

2006-06-05T09:54:00.000-04:00

Part Three in PWTU's Ongoing Series

DEAR ABBY: Several months ago, I met and fell in love with an amazing woman I'll call "Maria." My problem is, although she makes me happy, and it thrills me to hear that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, she kids me about breaking up on a regular basis. Sometimes it'll be a simple, "We're over! Oh -- just kidding," or, "We're done! I need a new man -- just kidding."
This humor of hers hurts a lot. She justifies it by saying that I don't have a sense of humor and that I take things too seriously. Abby, I love Maria with all my heart, and I want to have a future with her. But it hurts every time she does this. What should I do? -- ETHAN IN WAYNETOWN, IND.

Dear ETHAN IN WAYNETOWN, IND.: First, let us just say that it looks like you've found yourself a great woman. Second, it sounds to us like Maria might be expressing how she really feels about the relationship when she says these hurtful (but fucking hilarious) things to you. It's called passive-aggressiveness, and we here at PWTU know it when we see it! One of our staffers used to have quite a problem with PA; she would routinely say things to other employees like "You smell bad, go take a shower... just kidding!" or "Your wife is having an affair... just playin'!" Yeah, it was quite problematic for us, so we got her the counseling she needed, and now she is nice as pie.

However, we do not recommend sending your beloved Maria to counseling; we suggest instead that you fight fire with fire. Think about the possibilities: "Welp, I saw my doctor this morning; it's AIDs.... just kidding, honey!" Or, after a vigorous bout of lovemaking: "Damn, the condom popped! Oops!... just messin' with ya!" See what we mean? Have a little fun with it!

Oh, and ETHAN IN WAYNETOWN, IND.: You're a pussy... kidding, of course! :)
Advice

PWTU in History: A Republican Hero

2006-06-05T09:01:00.000-04:00

Part Five of PWTU's Ongoing Series
Thirty-eight years ago today Republicans everywhere celebrated the assassination of would-be president Robert F. Kennedy. The former attorney general had just won the California Democratic presidential primary when a pile-of-shit shaped like a man, Sirhan Sirhan, put a couple of bullets in the New York Senator's skull. Kennedy's death paved the way for Richard Nixon's election later that year (an administration that was good for the country), Ronald Reagan's election in 1980 (which was great for the country), and George W. Bush's election in 2000 (which has been a spectacular success for the country!).

Seriously, though, we at PWTU are so freakin' glad that assassinations went out of vogue years ago-- now the 'pubs just steal elections the old fashioned way. We also think it's funny that Sirhan Sirhan (a man so nice they named him twice!) languishes in prison to this day, oblivious to the fact that he did more to ruin this country than any other individual in our nation's history.

(Source) (Part Four of Series)

Week's End Review

2006-06-05T02:15:00.000-04:00

...Pistons lost, Pistons lost, Pistons mother-fucking lost!!!

...congratulations to Dan for winning the iPod on Saturday night. His victory just goes to show that nice guys rarely finish first, and that they have to cheat like crazy when they do (yes, we're still bitter).

...not since the Nazis invaded Poland has a war ended so quickly. This morning the PWTU staff voted 3-1 to accept HailDubyus' unconditional surrender, which they announced shortly after hostilities began Friday night. Congratulations to HailDubyus for making the right decision!

...finally, what's with that Mel Gibson movie trailer? It's been six months since someone figured out that if you press pause in QuickTime when you see the screaming monkey (about two-thirds of the way through) and then go backwards, frame by frame, you'll suddenly see none other than Mel Gibson standing there. Has anyone figured out why this was done yet? Was Mel trying to show that he has a sense of humor, or that he's finally lost his mind? Either way it's still fucked up, man, fucked up!

(Hail Dubyus Source)
(Mel Gibson Source)

A Declaration of War

2006-06-02T14:10:00.000-04:00

PWTU's First War: The War of the Link Exchange

It is with a heavy heart that we make this Friday afternoon post. After much internal debate amongst the PWTU staff, votes were cast this morning and a unanimous decision was reached to declare war on blogger Gregorius Alexandrensis. We do not enjoy the prospect of war, in fact we loathe it. But we at PWTU have always maintained that should such a conflict come our way, that we must fight it.

Earlier this week Mr. Alexandrensis, who runs a blog entitled "Hail Dubyus", practically begged us for a link exchange (see photo, below). After reviewing his site we decided it was worthy of the huge amount of PWTU traffic he would enjoy from such an arrangement. We responded to Mr. Al's request in the affirmative and immediately added him to our blog-roll.

That was literally days ago, and Mr. Al has yet to hold up his end of the bargain by posting a link back to our site.

This is a blatant slap in the face. If such betrayal should be allowed to go unchallenged, imagine the possible repercussions! The entire blog-o-sphere could be shattered. The Internet could collapse as webmasters betray webmasters and web-surfers find themselves lost in a sea of broken links. Society would suffer immensely as a result, unless we of PWTU triumph; as triumph we must, as triumph we shall.

Consider yourself at war now, Mr. Alexandrensis. You will rue the day you joined the ranks of the people worse than us.

A School Named Stoney

2006-06-02T10:39:00.000-04:00

The Detroit Free Press reports today that a Rochester Hills, MI high school teacher is rescinding his resignation after students held protests in support of him yesterday. According to the article, Ben Clevenger, a 2-year veteran of Stoney Creek High, says he was forced to resign after a wild-trip in Europe where (OMG!) students got drunk and rowdy. Of course the district claims they never asked him to step down but Clevenger, 24, claims otherwise.

"I was resigning under duress," he now says with slightly closed, bloodshot eyes.

Look: we at PWTU feel that the Rochester Hills School District needs to chill out on this one. With a school named "stoney" what did they think would happen on a school trip to Europe? Our embedded sources claim that half the student body, and faculty, are high most of the time anyway, so who gives a shit if a few teenagers got drunk (legally), too? It's nothing to force a resignation over.

As for the student "protests", we at PWTU thinks it's cute when teenagers think they can make a difference. We're sure Clevenger will remember them fondly next year at whatever new district he ends up at.

(Source)

Just Once We Want to Use a Siren, Too

2006-06-01T15:38:00.000-04:00

Part Three of PWTU's Ongoing Series: The Commies Are Coming

Brad's Blog is reporting that Bobbie Kennedy, Jr. will be reporting (in an as-of-yet unreleased report) that Bush stole the election in 2004, too!!!

You know, there's a reason the Republican Party's color is red: they're secretly communists. You heard it here first... which makes this post an exclusive. Which means the siren is warranted. Sweet sweetness.

(Source) (Part Two of Series)

PWTU Birthday Honoree: Morgan Freeman

2006-06-01T14:27:00.000-04:00

It’s Morgan Freeman’s birthday! Yes, the perpetual narrator turns 69 today. Hard to believe that it was only seven decades ago that some lady gave birth to the star of such films as Hallow Image, Robin Hood: Prince of Theives, and Johnny Handsome. Can you imagine what his delivery must have been like? We at PWTU think that he probably narrated it himself:

“Ah, the miracle of life: at eight pounds, four ounces, Mother Nature smiles upon a beautiful newborn babe on this lazy June afternoon in the small town of Memphis, Tennessee. Proud Mama and Proud Papa smile wanly at their little miracle whilst the newborn in question, me, Morgan Freeman, awaits the cutting of his umbilical cord. Little do I know that a life full of obstacles and opportunities; obedience and, ultimately, Oscars, lies down the road of this journey that, for me, begins at this very moment. It’s the journey of life, and I’ve just taken my first step.”

At this point we imagine that a beautifully orchestrated soundtrack would have begun and that baby-Morgan would have flashed that award-winning smile of his.

In any event, here’s to you, Mr. Freeman, on your special day! You’re a fine actor and quite a looker, we must admit, and if it wasn’t for the fact you’re so old there’s no way we’d consider ourselves your superior.

But you are, so we do.

(Source) (Previous Honoree)

WWPWTUD - A Rose by any other Name?

2006-06-01T12:26:00.000-04:00

Part Two in PWTU's Ongoing Series

Today PWTU tackles the bizarre problems of HURT IN LOUISIANA, as seen on Dear Abbey:

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to resolve something between me and my boyfriend. I bought him three yellow roses, and he was insulted! He says yellow roses mean only friendship. My grandmother says three roses mean love. I think ANY rose says I love you.

Is red the only color rose that means I love you? -- HURT IN LOUISIANA

DEAR HURT IN LOUISIANA: We are a wee bit confused by this question. We notice that you do not identify what gender you are, which impels us to assume that you are male, and that you are writing about your boyfriend, and that you both are gay. Because first of all, what girl is stupid enough to think her (straight) boyfriend might be impressed by flowers? And even if there is a girl out there who is that dense, what straight guy would whine about the color of said roses? If we are wrong, and you are in fact female, we urge you to think about what you are doing with a man who is obviously in the closet.

Additionally, everyone knows that the only true way to show your love for another person involves mouth-to-genital contact.

Have a nice day, and thanks for confusing the fuck out of us.

Hoffa Nice Holloway?

2006-05-31T13:02:00.000-04:00

...or holiday? Whatever. We at PWTU did anyway, which is why it's been hard to snap out of our relaxin-vacation mode coming off of Memorial Day weekend; it's hard work maintaining a daily blog dedicated to people worse than us (there are so many!), you know. We'll be back to our old selves soon, but until then please enjoy some PWTU classics.

PWTU Salutes Mt. St. Helens
R.I.P. Deshaun "Proof" Holton

WWPWTUD (What Would PWTU Do)?

2006-05-30T10:08:00.000-04:00

Part One of PWTU's Ongoing Series

We here at PWTU are completely addicted to advice columnists, because we are so addled and overwhelmed by our day-to-day problems we will take any advice we can get.
But because we are so well-read in the advice-giving department, shouldn't we be allowed to dish it out, too?
So, beginning today, PWTU will find advice-seeking letters addressed to various advice columnists and provide our own pearls of wisdom. This is strictly so we can show the world what we can do; we then expect the lost and confused to inundate us with pleas for help.
Today we present a letter that was originally addressed to Dear Abby; while her advice was so-so, we feel we should be able to put a much more realistic spin on CRAZY IN LOVE's predicament:

DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and I have been dating this girl, "Beth," for two months and three weeks -- a long time for me. When we started dating, I told her I had had sex before, and I had just quit smoking and drinking and stuff. Well, Beth told her mom, and now her mom doesn't believe I quit!

I want Beth's mom to approve of me because it'll make it easier for her to deal with me, because I really like Beth. I've been to their house three times, and I've met her mom, her dad and her aunt, but her mom talks about me behind my back. She's threatening to break us up -- but I haven't done anything to her mom. I'm usually polite and well-mannered, but she just doesn't like me. Please help me. We don't plan on having sex. Beth wants to wait, which is fine with me. -- CRAZY IN LOVE, FORT STEWART, GA.

DEAR CRAZY IN LOVE: Why don't you try being honest with yourself, as well as Beth's parents. You have given up smoking and drinking "and stuff" (pot? heroin? Vicodin?); do you really expect anyone to believe that you plan on abstaining from sex, as well? Who, besides the freakin' Pope (and that's probably up for debate) could get through one day without at least one of those vices?
Our best advice to you is to come clean to Beth's parents. Tell them that the only way you can hope to stay away from smoking, drugs and alcohol is to be ensured that you can bonk their daughter at least three times per week. Do they want you to become a hard-core substance abuser? How would their conscience deal with the knowledge that had they allowed their daughter to have regular sex with you, you would never have fallen down that slippery slope?
In other words, guilt-trip 'em. It'll work. You can thank us later.

PWTU Celebrates: Peru's National Potato Day

2006-05-30T09:42:00.000-04:00

Part One of PWTU's Ongoing Series

The fine people of Peru are celebrating a quaint holiday today: La Fiesta de la Papa (The Potato Party). Apparently, potatos are a big fucking deal to Peruvians, as evidenced by a website dedicated to las papas. Here is but one example of Peru's oddly-placed enthusiasm for the starchy tuber:

They sure seem to expend a lot of energia on las papas. And why not? We here at PWTU love them, too. In fact, if not for potatos, a good 75% of our diet would be missing. From potato pancakes in the morning, to french fries at lunch, to baked potatos (loaded) at dinner; not to mention the ritual midnight snack of potato chips, we can't get enough of the little guys.
Although our country hasn't progressed enough to make potato-lovin' a national holiday, we here at PWTU concur with the logic of the Peruvians, and join them in celebrating this important day.
Viva las papas!

We Love our Country, Yes we Do!

2006-05-30T09:23:00.000-04:00

This Memorial Day weekend, we at PWTU learned many things. Four days off of pretty much all responsibilities makes a (wo)man think, you know? But we would never waste your time by reporting stupid or insignificant events-- on this blog, at least, we will only ever discuss the most important things learned, discovered, or realized.

Anyway, this past Memorial Day we at PWTU learned:

1.) ...that the needless deaths of our country's finest will only ever be extenisvely covered if news correspondents are involved.

2.) ...that the worse a movie franchise gets, the more money it will rake in.

3.) ...that the Detroit Pistons like to scare their fans (but we still believe!).

4.) ...and finally, we learned that sewers and indoor plumbing kick total ass. You see, we here at PWTU just learned first hand (pictured below) that a broken sewage line beneath a house's foundation isn't the end of the world. We also learned that fixing it makes everything smell like open-sewer for a while. Still, running water makes it totally worth it-- God bless indoor plumbing!

The Very Definition of People Worse than Us

2006-05-25T14:15:00.000-04:00

Hip-hip horray! They got Kenneth Lay! And the best part?

"The charges for which Lay was convicted carry a maximum penalty in prison of 45 years in the corporate trial and 120 years in the personal banking trial. The charges for which Skilling was convicted carry a maximum penalty of 185 years in prison."

Here's hoping they both go away for over a century. Oh, and you can read the rest here: Lay, Skilling convicted in Enron collapse - Yahoo! News

Every Boy's Fantasy?

2006-05-25T10:53:00.001-04:00

Our intrepid researchers nearly lost their lunch this morning when they stumbled upon this entry on The Smoking Gun.

There is some kind of saying, or adage, or something that says that every boy's fantasy is to make love to an older woman (i.e. a teacher). In this case, 44 year old Linda Ann McBride has been arrested for carrying on a sexual relationship with a 13 year old boy.

Behold:

We here at PWTU are astounded that this woman was the seductor, and not the seductee.

This is News to Us!

2006-05-25T10:21:00.000-04:00

Seeing as how we here at PWTU live a stone's throw away from the mighty Rouge River, we were quite verklempt this morning upon seeing this daring headline. So, the Rouge has "returned to health", has it? Then why does it still smell like a Port-O-Pottie?
Inquiring minds want to know!

Hump Day Mish-Mash

2006-05-24T15:21:00.000-04:00

Think Progress is reporting that Tom Delay's legal defense fund thinks Stephen Colbert is really a conservative. Isn't he?

Taylor Hicks is your new American Idol. Is this website why?

ABC news reports that House Speaker Dennis Hastert is under investigation by the FBI. We so love it when fat, rich white men get in trouble!

...wait, now they're reporting that he isn't. Damn. Was this another GOP election-year ploy like the whole faked papers / 60 Minutes / Bush / National Guard thing?

Democracy For America is still around. We were shocked, too.

And finally, they're still looking for Hoffa. Here's hoping that they find him in his secret underground lair soon...

Repent! Repent! Repent!

2006-05-23T16:25:00.000-04:00

It's over now. It's all over. The end is here and Matt Drudge is the first to report it. I knew it'd be sorta like this, I knew it all along...

(Source)

PWTU In History: Quite Frankly, This is Stretching It

2006-05-23T08:09:00.000-04:00

Part Four of PWTU's Ongoing Series

Okay, according to our good friends at Wikipedia (of which we are honored to be a humble contributor), today is the anniversary of the end of World War 2:

WTF? I mean, I guess that if you looked into it hard enough, any date falling between January 1945 and December 1946 could be argued as an "end date" to the Second World War. Hell, I'm sure there are some pretentious pricks out there who could argue that the war didn't end until Winston Churchill's death in 1965. But the truth is that every war ever waged has had one definitive date that began it, and one definitive date that ended it. And in the case of WW2, today is certainly not a recognized ending to that global conflict. Remember, remember, the 7th of May, my friends. That's the real "end date" to WW2, in Europe at least.

Long story short, we at PWTU don't consider today an anniversary of the end of WW2 anymore than we consider May 1 an end to our current war in Iraq. And to all you miserable failures who disagree, well, do some research outside of Wikipedia for a change. Then you'll see. Just as we did*.

*All research for this article provided by Wikipedia.

(Source)

Part Three of Series

Colbert vs. The Red Hot Chili Peppers

2006-05-22T15:43:00.000-04:00

What does it say about the current state of the recording industry when an audio file of Stephen Colbert's White House Press Correspondents' speech is the number one "album" being sold on the number one online music store, iTunes? We at PWTU believe it means that America gets it. It could mean, however, that the new Chili Peppers album just isn't very good.

(Source)

Lee Oswald He Ain't

2006-05-22T13:25:00.000-04:00

So this kid, Peter something, got busted again by the Secret Service: last year it was for threatening Bush's life (in addition to leaving a voicemail on a Secret Service Agent's cell phone threatening to blow up some Federal buildings). This time the kid was busted for manufacturing some bogus Secret Service ID cards.

Obviously this moron isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, and I'm sure he isn't very stable, either. But here's my question: why was he free to conterfeit these ID cards this year? Shouldn't he have been locked up? The only thing I can think is that the Secret Service, and the Federal Prosecutors, aren't very passionate about protecting George the Second. Someone who cares should probably look into this...

(Source)

The Canton-Ikea Crackdown

2006-05-22T09:32:00.000-04:00

Part One of PWTU's Ongoing Series: The Resurrection of Michigan

In four cities across the United States this year the international chain of furniture stores, Ikea, will be holding grand openings. Boston, Chicago and West Sacramento are accustomed to such grandiose events, and the citizens of these fair cities will barely notice the Swedish invasion of their land. Not so in Canton, Michigan, where all of Metro-Detroit is waiting with baited breath for June 7th when a new Ikea store will open its doors at Haggerty and Ford Roads.

Is this the beginning of the resurrection of Michigan? We here at PWTU believe that yes, obviously, it must be. This is why we will be offering extensive coverage of this watershed moment in Michigan-retail history beginning with this entry. Our goal is to keep the hum-drum city of Canton from screwing up what could be a turning point in Michigan's economy.

How could they possibly screw-the-pooch on this one, you ask? Frankly we didn't think it was possible either. After all, Canton's booming growth has been a rare bright-spot for Michigan's ailing economy for some time now. The problem, as we see it, is that Canton has grown too much, too fast, and the leaders of this little town have thus become drunk with authoritarian-like power.

Take, for instance, a recent report in the Detroit Free Press suggesting that the Canton Police Department will be stepping-up their patrols in the area surrounding the new Ikea very soon. Citing the danger of the nearby intersection, the CPD has decided to use the deaths of a few people at this crazy intersection to crack down on speeders and other careless drivers. And sure, this effort may save some reckless drivers from themselves (and others), but won't this Stalin-like enforcement also doom the Ikea store from success? Our theory, based on absolutely no supporting evidence, is that of course it will! We therefore hope and pray that the good citizens of Canton will petition their city-leaders and demand they keep their hands off Ikea and its surrounding area. And before anyone suggests otherwise, no, we at PWTU do not like to speed there (we like to speed everywhere). This isn't personal: this is about the good of the state.

So speak up, Canton! Demand that your leaders stop the CPD from overstepping their bounds... tell them to keep their "Hands Off Mykea!"*.

*Editors Note: If you think that's a good pun, listen to this: the original title for this entry was "Ikea but I Don't Believe Ya!", but during today's daily PWTU editorial meeting this ingenious title was shot-down for being too "punny". Frankly I still don't believe it was punny enough. Thanks a lot, Ring.

Weekend Filler

2006-05-19T20:00:00.000-04:00

Part One of PWTU's Ongoing Series: People (Almost) as Good as Us

We're not saying we're better than them-- but declaring them our equal may be an insult to us both. Enjoy, then, some links to some (sometimes) good folk we at PWTU humbly acknowledge are (nearly) our equals.

The Everyday Economist - We consider their belief in the overall goodness and generosity of an absolutely unregulated free market cute (awww!). Plus they linked to us, otherwise we'd just think they're a bunch of idiots.

Club For Growth - A quaint site, we agree with pretty much every goal they have except: Making the Bush tax cuts permanent, Estate tax repeal (they wrote it as "death tax" but we're correcting it here), Social Security reform with personal retirement accounts, and Legal reform to end abusive lawsuits. Hmm. I guess we don't agree with much of what they stand for after all, but hey, they linked to us (and apparently we're whores).

Grow a Brain - This blog claims to be about Real Estate, but then why isn't it completely boring? Btw, Hanan-my-man, if you're interested in some good investments in Michigan (Dearborn area especially) drop us a line. Selling bank-owned homes to investors is one of PWTU's many hobbies.

Metafilter - We at PWTU believe this little site could be the next big thing. Go show your support, and tell'em PWTU sent ya (they'll know what you mean).

That's it for this week. Here's hoping that next week we're a.) still around and b.) our postings don't attract as many libertarian nut-jobs...

Uh-Oh: Some Fallout from my Open Letter to Sec. Land

2006-05-19T11:36:00.000-04:00

Earlier one of my co-workers told me that I'd received a fax. This isn't unusual at my work so I didn't think anything of it… until she told me it was from the State of Michigan. My first thought when I began to read it? That there was no way this had anything to do with my open-letter to Michigan Secretary of State Terri Lynn Land the other day regarding the state’s changing license plates.

I was wrong. Below is a scanned copy of the original fax (names & numbers redacted for obvious reasons):

I’m relatively new to blogging and I clearly made a grievous, amateur error. You see, originally (before I partnered up with ring) I had intended on creating a “serious” blog for my work so I included my real name, and office phone numbers, in my Blogger profile. Pretty dumb.

So anyway, regardless of this letter’s authenticity I’m making two changes to this blog effective immediately. 1.) My profile is no longer available (and if I put it back up it will be sans the real-life contact info) and 2.) I will no longer do things to try and get other people fired (because clearly that was my intent all along). I will not, however, be removing my open letter to the secretary because, frankly, I honestly think it is a good idea.

Oh, and to Mr. E, I want to extend to you my sympathies regarding your recent job loss. On behalf of the PTWU staff: “Our bad!”

UPDATE: Due to popular request I’ve transcribed the scanned letter below (to make it easier to read in case you have trouble viewing the image):

May 18, 2006
To the Editors of the Web-log "People Worse than Us":

Hello and my name is ***** of *** County, England, currently residing within your state of Michigan (near the westernmost corner of A** A***). Though I've never written a letter to one of your blogs before I feel compelled to do so now due to the fact that I recently, as of this morning, lost my job because, in an indirect fashion, of the writings contained in your online journal "The People Worse Than Us".

In your entry dated 17 May 2006 you published a correspondence from yourselves to the Michigan Secretary of State my former employer Terri Lynn Land. Forgive me if I'm not fully acclimated to American humor but my thought upon reading this entry were that you were being sincere. Apparently I made a terrible error with this assumption.

See I've been struggling, personally, with Michigan's economic state. Everyone in the State’s capitol has been. And the way you so simplistically described a solution for this peninsula's woes gave me pause for hope. But I'm told, now, that my optimism at your words was dearly misplaced.

I lost my job because of the words you wrote.

Did I make a mistake when I took your 17 May idea as serious one? Most likely I realize now. In retrospect I should not have presented your "open letter" as a serious suggestion. It made me look like a fool and it cost me my employment. But at the time I felt Ms. Land would see your idea as an example of the cutting-edge solutions often suggested within the famed “blogosphere” you Americans cherish so much. In point of fact Ms. Land did not feel your idea was “cutting edge” at all. I’m told her exact words regarding it included the terms “ridiculous” and “nonsensical”.

As of this writing my job has been officially moved “out of rotation" (i.e. the position has been eliminated) and I have been forced to surrender my keys and identification cards. I was given no notice. I was simply informed that I should pack up my things and be out of the office by this afternoon.

I’m hoping that the fax number provided in your Online Profile is accurate as it’s the only means to privately contact you I’ve managed to find. In any event I hope that upon learning Ms. Land does not take your letter seriously you will remove it from your blog at once. Further, I feel it would be proper for you to issue a public apology for playing such a cruel joke.

These are the last words I will type on this State-issued computer. I still cannot believe, especially after reviewing the rest of your blog that I ever took your 17 May entry seriously. I hope that no one else will make a similar mistake.

Yours sincerely Mr. E

PWTU In History: The Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo

2006-05-19T11:00:00.000-04:00

Part Three of PWTU's Ongoing Series

This may come as a surprise to many of you, but the vast majority of U.S. citizens will pass through this entire day without realizing that it marks the 158^th anniversary of the end of the brutal Mexican-American war -- by way of a remarkable compromise: The Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo.

Many might scoff at the supposed importance of this treaty: “That was just some random thing I was forced to learn in school, then immediately forgot about to put that brain space to better use”. So why do we here at PWTU deem this event significant enough to merit an entire entry? Because this treaty gave us a huge chunk of what today is our southwestern states.

Below, what we would be missing if this marvelous treaty had never been seen to fruition:

California – Surfing.

Nevada – Gambling.

Utah – Mormons.

Arizona – Cacti.

And during our research, we were unable to pinpoint exactly where the Tex-Mex favorite initially slipped “over the border,” so we will make the following generalization:

The American Southwest – Taco.

Thank you, Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo. Our country would never have been quite the same without these states; plus, it would be funny-shaped.

Part Two of Series

Tanned, Rested, and Ready to Serve

2006-05-18T14:28:00.000-04:00

At long last it appears the Feds might have discovered the whereabouts of Michigan's favorite son, Jimmy Hoffa! According to the Detroit Free Press, Federal agents executed a warrant today at a Milford Township farm to look for evidence regarding his mysterious disappearance 30-something years ago.

The timing could not be better. With unions losing more and more of their influence each passing year, we at PWTU think it's time for Hoffa to come back and lead not only his beloved Teamsters but the UAW as well. The unions need a strong leader in order to regain their former glory and we can't think of anyone who'd be better suited to the task.

So come on, Jimmy! You've been sorely, sorely missed. It's time for you to come home and make things right again...

(Source)

Chinese Invasion

2006-05-18T11:27:00.000-04:00

Part Two of PWTU's Ongoing Series: The Commies Are Coming

It wasn't long ago that we at PWTU celebrated our first milestone due to a French invasion of our little site. And while it remains true that we don't obsessively check our sitemeter, it's nice to see where our visitors live from time to time. As the above image demonstrates, however, sometimes we're none too pleased with what our snooping reveals.

Yes, it's true: commies are reading PWTU! And before you try to reassure us by saying that Hong Kong isn't really communist, allow us to remind you that the British handed that city back to the Chinese government some ten or so years ago. Last time we checked, China is a communist country, ergo Hong Kong is communist. And now they're reading our blogs!

Bastards. Here's hoping those commie-jerks eventually ban our website... until then, better dead than red! Viva capitalism!

Part One of Series

PWTU In History: Mt. St. Helens

2006-05-18T10:00:00.000-04:00

Part Two of PWTU's Ongoing Series

It's hard to believe that the massive explosion of the once-serene volcano occured 26 years ago. Although we here at PWTU were but wee tots when this disaster occured, we felt its after-effects throughout much of our childhood.

Granted, we grew up no where near the cantankerous mound; St. Helens, of course, is in Washington State. We grew up in metro Detroit.

So how did this event manage to effect our lives so much? Because our mother suffered a bizarre case of post traumatic stress disorder upon viewing the numerous images of the explosion. From that day forward, she would have nothing to do with any terrain that was even slightly hilly; she even expressed the desire, at one point, of uprooting us all to Kansas. Thankfully, the very real threat of tornados put an end to those plans.

So please take a moment to pause and remember that fateful day 26 years ago; Mt. St. Helens, we salute you.
(Source)

Part One of Series

An Open Letter to the Michigan Secretary of State

2006-05-17T12:13:00.000-04:00

An Open Letter to Ms. Terri Lynn Land

Update: There was some fallout from this open-letter. Read about it here.

Dear Ms. Land:

It is no secret that during the last six years Michigan has suffered the loss of thousands of manufacturing jobs which has led to the decline of the state’s economy. Budget shortfalls, due to decreased tax revenue, have caused painful cuts in almost every area of government. It seems that every year the state spends more than it earns despite desperate measures to increase revenue and, regrettably, there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight.

Until now. Madame Secretary, I hereby propose a solution that will guarantee a healthy new stream of revenue for the state’s coffers.

Ms. Land, before you decide that this letter would be better directed toward Governor Granholm or my state representative, allow me to explain why you are in a unique position to help the state’s ailing economy. It involves some legislation passed yesterday (Tuesday May 16th) by the state Senate but will guarantee nearly $100-million in new revenue for the state should you take bold action.

The legislation in question would eliminate the state’s 25-year-old blue license plate. According to the Detroit Free Press no decision has yet been made regarding the design of the new de-facto state plate. This is where you come in. Rumor has it that the new design will likely feature a reflective white background with blue letters on top. I propose instead that the new plate be a hot neon-pink color, something so disgusting to behold that no Michigander in their right mind would want it.

Before you write this off as a joke please consider the following. According to the Free Press approximately 5.6-million Michigan drivers currently opt for the standard plate over the “special” ones offered by your office. But if the standard plate were atrociously pink in color just imagine how many more drivers would choose one of the premium plates! I, for one, would gladly pay up to $35 on top of the regular registration fees to avoid such an embarrassing addition to my otherwise hip, manly car.

Ms. Land, you have here an opportunity to raise significant funds for the state-- without raising taxes. Is it unorthodox? Yes, but most cutting-edge ideas are. And while certain members of the media might ridicule such a plan you would be able to look these nay-sayers in the eye and list the many great initiatives the new monies would be pay for.

In closing, Ms. Land, if you would like to see an artist’s rendition of the new plate I envision please visit http://peopleworsethanus.blogspot.com/. Thank you for your consideration, and I look forward to seeing the unveiling of this horrible, ugly, cash-cow of a license plate.

Regards,
A Concerned Citizen
(Source)

PWTU Birthday Honoree: Robert Lane (Bob) Saget

2006-05-17T11:24:00.000-04:00

Beloved comedian Bob Saget turns the big 5-0 today. Amazing-- he doesn't look a day over forty!

Many of us welcomed Mr. Saget into our homes through the wholesome sitcom "Full House". His character, Danny Tanner, dispensed a tender mix of tough love and good-natured joshing to the five or six kids who lived with him and "the guys". Don't ask us, it's been a long time since we saw that show.

And who could forget the weekly anticipation of the latest installment of America's Funniest Home Videos, hosted by the charming Mr. Saget? He had the amazing ability to take a video that may have merited a chuckle or two and turn it into a groan-fest at the numerous corny jokes he managed to come up with. Who else could show a video of a man getting kicked in the ass by a donkey (for instance) and, rather than produce the normal reaction (laughing hysterically), make one say "I wish this annoying person would shut the fuck up."?

There is, however, a dark side to Mr. Saget, as evidenced by a brief cameo in Half Baked and his particularly raunchy rendition of a joke in the film The Aristocrats.

So on your very special day, PWTU salutes you, Bob Saget.

(Previous Honoree)

PWTU In History: The Origin of the NYSE

2006-05-17T09:05:00.000-04:00

Part One of PWTU's Ongoing Series

The New York Stock Exchange: where is it from? Where is it going? And how rich do you have to be in order to consider it a serious economic indicator? We at PWTU have always prided ourselves on our relentless coverage of such complex economic issues, especially when inherent Douchbaggery is involved. And nothing brings out the douchebags quite like the New York Stock Exchange (NYSE: NYSE).

Don't get us wrong: for every Ken Lay and Gordon Gekko out there trying to screw over us workin'-Joes (and Josephines) we know there just have to be good-natured, up-by-the-bootstraps figures who use the market for the good of all. These unsung heroes of the marketplace buy stock in companies that provide livable wages for their employees, no matter what those companies post in their most recent quarterly earnings reports. Were it not for this fact, American companies would surely be outsourcing jobs to countries whose standards of living don't quite match the American ideal... and we all know that ain't so.

Seriously, though, the NYSE's origin can be traced back 214 years today to a group of 24 stock-brokers who decided they'd create a system that would get a minority of them rich by exploiting the majority of all. How much has changed since those backward times...

Happy Birthday NYSE! May God have mercy on your soul...

(Source)

Stupid CNN.com Headlines Pt. 1

2006-05-16T13:50:00.000-04:00

Okay, while writing this entry CNN.com abruptly pulled the following headline in its "latest news" section:

Someone over at CNN.com must have realized what a dumb headline this was, especially given the context of the actual article. Here's a summary of the last paragraph:

In a CNN snap poll of 461 people who watched Monday's speech, 42 percent said they had a positive opinion of the president's immigration policies before they heard him speak. Afterward, 67 percent said they had a positive view... the poll had a margin of error of plus or minus 5 percentage points. [Said] CNN senior political analyst Bill Schneider... "...that wasn't the best response he's gotten compared to other speeches, in fact it was lower than any speech we've measured since he took office."

I mean, yeah, technically the headline is accurate since there was a 25-point increase in the snap-poll audience's favorable opinion of Bush's immigration policies. But that's far from the whole story.

I guess it's just another example of a stupid CNN.com headline...

(Source)

PWTU Quiz!

2006-05-15T16:01:00.000-04:00

What is George the Second watching in these screenshots? Is it:

A.) Stephen Colbert's fearless perfomance at the White House Press Corresspondent's Dinner?
B.) None of the above.

Either way that's a damn fine president we have there, ain't it?

(Source)

Know Justice, Know Peace

2006-05-15T15:20:00.000-04:00

Back when I was in high school I never really had a teacher I was attracted to. And that pisses me off: it seems like everyone has that memory of the "hot teacher" they just loved to drool over during class (or get molested by... well, we won't go into that here... let's keep it PG). And it's not like my school was employing a bunch of uggos, either: there were some pretty decent looking ladies at my HS back then! I just never got any of them.

Anyway, the reason for this reminicising is that apparently some teacher from West Boca, FL recently faced some controversy after the school district became aware she had been a member of the USA National Bikini Team (USA! USA!). Thankfully the district's "professional standards department" decided Thursday not to investigate her, so there's no chance she's going to be fired (unlike that teacher from Kentucky who used to do porn who was canned a couple weeks ago).

Let this be a lesson to everyone that justice always triumphs, especially when male libidos meet U.S. patriotism. After all, how could they fire a former USA National Bikini Team member during a time of war? That would be the very definition of "aid and comfort" to the enemy, methinks.

(Source)

Would You Have Sex with This Man?

2006-05-15T15:02:00.000-04:00

This guy is pathetic for so many reasons that we at PWTU feel his picture (which, keep in mind, has to be the best one the loser can come up with), along with a link to his site, should be enough to convince you of his absolute douchebaggery*.

(Source)

*If this isn't a word then it should be.

Giggle-Gaggle

2006-05-12T16:13:00.000-04:00

So the new White House Press Secretary, Mr. Tony Snow, held his first "press gaggle" today.

What's a press gaggle? It's this little daily shin-dig where the self-proclaimed "important journalists" get a chance to kick back and relax with the Press Secretary-- more accurately, it's sort of a rehearsal for the live daily press conferences (of which Mr. Snow has held exactly zero to date). I guess the logic is that since there aren't any cameras everyone can be more honest with each other, or something.

Anyway, Mr. Snow did a tremendous job. Not only did he lack about half the information the journalists there wanted but he forced them all into his small office (some of them had to stand in the hallway!) instead of the traditional briefing room. Awesome.

Unfortunately the proceedings took on a heavy tone when Mr. Snow was forced to explain to the journalists which former Secretaries of State and Defense had not received invitations to an important briefing/meeting this afternoon with the President. See, they had a similar meeting back in January, and some media-elitists were curious if there would be any changes in the invitations going out this time... Snow's response:

"The only changes, obviously, Caspar Weinberger, the President will be saying some -- will have some gracious things to say about the late Secretary of State -- I mean, Secretary of Defense. Also Sonny Montgomery has died, I don't know if you know that; at some point we're going to have a statement about that today, as well.

I guess it didn't go without saying that dead people wouldn't be in attendance. On a side note, I didn't know who Sonny Montgomery was either. He must not have been that important.

All in all it was a good day for Mr. Snow and, by extension, the nation as a whole. We a PWTU look forward to many more months of incompetence from him and the reporters he services.

(Source)

PWTU Birthday Honoree: Stephen Baldwin

2006-05-12T15:27:00.000-04:00

Today Stephen Baldwin turns forty
Or what some may call over the hill
Surely he'll hang with his brothers
Just the thought of that gives us a thrill
Daniel will arrive with the food and the cake
William the porn mags and pot
Alec will bring in a boatload of booze
Oh shit, Stevie's born again--our bad, we forgot!

PWTU Milestone #1: French Invasion

2006-05-12T13:22:00.000-04:00

Here at PWTU, we do not obsessively check our Sitemeter, because that is for losers. However, we do once in a while, such as earlier today. And something we saw certainly piqued our interest: our first European visitor!
While we were busy busting out the champagne (like we need a reason; okay, it is actually MGD), our intrepid graphic design lackey grabbed a screenshot of the historic moment:

This screenshot contains something of a mixed message, but that is okay. They probably only stayed for 0 seconds because they couldn't understand English.
Adieu!

O'Reilly is un Amigo de los Mexicanos

2006-05-12T12:25:00.000-04:00

Translation: he is a friend of the Mexican people. He even said so on his show:

• "I'm not afraid of Mexican immigrants. I'm not afraid, you know, you're my compadre." — Bill O'Reilly, The O'Reilly Factor, May 10 (Source)

It's so good to know that O'Reilly is fond of our neighbors to the south. It sort of gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. It almost makes up for O'Reilly's uber-pervy sexual harrassment practices.

This breathtaking revelation by the Fox News personality has not, however, proved him to be a better person than myself. Because I like the Mexican people, too, and I am their friend. Heck, I am a friend of the entire North American continent and its peoples. Top that, O'Reilly!

Our staff cartoonist has toiled away on a depiction of O'Reilly's amistad with Mexicans; although it may take a little time to understand its deep symbolism, please do not inundate us with angry comments demanding its explanation. Just let it do what it does best: bring a tear to the eye.

Hey There, Hi There

2006-05-12T11:31:00.000-04:00

Part One of PWTU's Ongoing Series: The Commies Are Coming

On the left, Soviet Chairman Nikita Khrushchev (circa 1960-something). On the right, General Michael Hayden, President Bush's nominee to replace Porter Goss as CIA director (circa 2006-something). Look disturbingly similar? Well, they should. One is a fat-headed white man who rose to prominence in the military with ambitions to one day solidify his government's power by monitoring his country's citizens with secret police, wiretaps, and the like. The other became leader of the Soviet Union in 1954.

Now, before anyone misunderstands us, we at PWTU are not saying that Gen. Hayden can speak Russian or that he conspired to put nuclear missiles into Cuba in 1962. What we're simply insinuating is that the guy is pure evil and that it's scary-as-hell that an active military leader could become director of a civilian organization like the CIA. Besides, this is the man behind Bush's bold idea to skirt the constitution by illegally wiretapping American citizens' phone calls without a warrant... sounds pretty communist to us.

(Source) (Source)

Proof in the Pudding

2006-05-12T11:05:00.000-04:00

So just because a B-List rapper shot and killed an army-veteren (and got shot and killed himself as a result) the City of Detroit is forcing my favorite after-hours bar (the C.C.C. club on 8 Mile Road) to close for a year. Such bullshit! It would be one thing if the closing was a memorial of some kind for the victims (the army-vet and the dude who was famous for being Eminem's friend) but grief over the two men's deaths had nothing to do with the city's decision. No, the Wayne County Prosecutor is just pissed because the bar was operating illegally. Believe it or not bars are only allowed to be open until 2am in Michigan. Such crap, I know, which is why we metro-Detroiters depend on these so-called "illegal" clubs to fuel or alcholic needs 24/7.

So thanks, Mr. Deshaun "Proof" Holton, you've ruined it for everyone once again. Hope you're happy.

...oh wait, you can't be happy. You're dead. Touche.

(Source)

Florida Boob Inspector

2006-05-11T15:22:00.000-04:00

Just when I thought I was a pretty smooth cat I ran across a story about a Florida man who came up with an ingenious way to cop a feel. Apparently the 76-year-old man, Mr. Philip Winikoff, was going door-to-door in a Florida neighborhood pretending to be a doctor offering free breast exams. Sheer genius, I know, especially since it worked. Wish I'd thought of it! The good news is that apparently handling sweater-puppies on false pretenses is illegal. Not so smart after all you dirty, old, genius of a man, you!

Him: Evil-genius, ladies' man, incarcerated.
Me: Benevolent-genius, ladies' friend, not in jail.
Winner: Close, but all the boobage in the world can't beat the sweet taste of freedom. Me.

The Smoking Gun: Fake Breast Doc Busted

Treason!

2006-05-11T14:28:00.000-04:00

Apparently the sexy-skank of the right-wing, Ms. Ann "McCarthy-was-right" Coulter, likes to lie. And while we at PWTU already knew about her penchant for spewing bullshit in her columns, books, and TV interviews (why she still gets booked is beyond us-- note to CNN: the staff of PWTU are available for any show other than your AM program... we're Today Show loyalists), what we didn't know is that she apparently loves to lie to the government, too.

God I hope she goes to jail. It'll never happen, but her incarceration would certainly prove once and for all that we're her intellectual* superior. In any event, let's recap: In our long-running feud with Ms. Coulter the score is now 14 to 0 in our favor. Yes! (Source)

*If we had conspired to commit voter and tax fraud we wouldn't have gotten caught... we're too smart for that.

I've Never Been Voted Off of American Idol

2006-05-11T11:59:00.000-04:00

Which is more than I can say for loser-of-the-minute Chris Daughtry.
This comparison prompts--no, compels--me to conclude that I am vastly superior to this man.

Some say it is better to try and fail than to never try at all. To them I say: it is better to keep your illusions of grandeur and massive ego in the confines of your delusional brain than to suffer the horrible humiliation in knowing that America doesn't want you.

Chin up, Chris: there's always The Surreal Life. (Source)

Marketing at its Finest

2006-05-11T00:46:00.000-04:00

I'm so much closer to being the PC-dork guy in those new Mac ads than I am to being the cool, hip, younger one (you know, the guy who comes across as counter-chic but only slightly smug?). Why? Because I use PC's exclusively (I've never even come across a Mac in real life). Could this fact make me a middle-aged, stuck-up, dorky-looking white male as the commercials suggest?

Nah. Fact is that even after watching these embarrisingly transparent ads I still have no intention of ever buying a Mac. In fact, I swear this now: I will never ever own an Apple computer. Fuck you corporate marketing, you lose this round...

How to Act Smart (Part I)

2006-05-10T23:22:00.000-04:00

Despite this domain name, we're not just here to criticize people who aren't as good as me and my contributors. Our purpose is also to help people learn the tricks necessary to prove their superiority to those around them. Our first installment involves intelligence: how to fool people into thinking you know more than they do (it's easier than you think!).

Memorize the proper name (and proper pronunciation) of every head of state of every nation in the world.

You know it'll come up in conversation eventually (even if you only keep company with pot-head losers): current events. People around you will try to repeat news stories in order to demonstrate their worldliness. Imagine how impressed they'll be when you one-up them by not only knowing the same news stories but by being able to correctly pronounce the exotic names involved! Whether it's firing off Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's borderline made-up name or referring to Fidel Castro's nation as "Koo-bah", you're bound to expose the inferiority of your contemporaries just by taking the time to practice a few tricky pronounciations. Remember: if Alec Trebek can do it so can you.