6.09.2006

 

Canadian Invasion!

Since PWTU has opened for business (one month ago tomorrow, no less!), we of course have been fortunate enough to enjoy occasional visits by Canadians. While we admittedly sometimes take shots at our neighbors to the north, we have to admit that underneath our rough exterior beats a heart that is quite fond of those folks. After all, where else did we get to go drink—legally—at the tender age of nineteen? What up, Windsor!

And now we have another reason to laud Canada: we were quite flattered to find, via our Sitemeter, that a Torontoan named fluffhead77 finds our site so entertaining that he had to share it with his Canadian friends. So on behalf of all of us here at PWTU, thanks fluffhead77; its Friday, bitches!


 

FYIF: Week in Review

Part One in PWTU's Ongoing Series: Fuck Yeah It's Friday!

...our good friends over at Le Gossip posted their first-ever Podcast. Stephen!, author of the celeb-gossip blog, said of his first-ever foray into Podcasting: " I say um a lot and cuss so much! ahh!" That's cool, Stephen-- there's nothing wrong with cussin' (it shows that you keep it real ).

...at Ghetto Stupidity blogger t. durden contends that Ann Coulter is the Anti-Christ... and he makes some good points to prove it.

...here's a good entry for Fucked Up Republican of the Week: the AP reported yesterday that California Congressman Dana Rohrabacher plans on holding hearings to determine whether or not there was a "foreign connection" to the Oklahoma City bombing that killed 168 Americans in 1995. That's right: Rohrabacher thinks that McVeigh might not have acted alone, but with "foreign" help. We at PWTU hope Rohrabacher looks into possible foreign connections in some other terrible crimes next, crimes like Columbine (bin Laden was clearly involved), the murder of Nicole Simpson (it was Sadaam!), and the killings of the Yates' children (it had to be Mahmoud Ahmadinejad).

...we read over at the Red Tape Chronicles that a Flordia man brought his defective hard-drive to Best Buy for repair only to find out later (after being told he needed to replace it) that the drive was re-sold to a stranger in Chicago (with the drive still containing all his info). Our question: why would anyone trust Best Buy's "geek squad" in the first place?

...finally, we at PWTU are big fans of all things Google, so when they launched their online-spreadsheet program (designed to rival Microsoft's Excel) earlier this week we got really excited. Well, last night we got our chance to finally give it a try and we have to say that although it looks pretty neat, it obviously still needs some work. Here's hoping it lives up to its potential by the time it's out of beta-release!


6.08.2006

 

Get a Life

Yep, this is pretty much what we expected the shopping-crazed Ikea customers to look like:

Source

 

Michigan National Guard Gets a Hummer

The Michigan National Guard has had three humvees stolen from its Olympia Armory on McGraw in Detroit over the last few weeks. You read that correctly: according to the Detroit Free Press, "...thieves scaled two barbed-wire-topped fences and cut thick chains securing the steering wheels" to steal these military vehicles. Now, what we can't decide is what's more fucked up: that teens could steal these humvees under the nose of the National Guard, or that they could actually get away with it for awhile (and use one to rob a store, too)?

We at PWTU feel that these thieves shouldn't be punished for the thefts, but hailed as the patriots they are for exposing this lapse in military security. I mean, if the National Guard can't protect their own cars (someone should tell them about The Club), how are they supposed to secure our border with Mexico?

Or Canada, that's right: us Michiganders worry more about those bastard Canadian immigrants...

(Source)

 

WWPWTUD - Tellin' It Like It Is

Part Four in PWTU's Ongoing Series

Today we tackle a mother's misguided worrying about her friends' son, who sounds really cool.

DEAR ABBY: I have a good friend, "Cathy," whose 11-year-old son, "Evan," is a friend of my son, "Noah." Evan has always been a name-caller. He constantly uses words like "stupid," "idiot" and "butthead" when talking to my son, but Noah has always laughed it off or told him to cut it out.

Today Noah told me he no longer wants to play with Evan because Evan is such a name-caller. Evan's habit apparently doesn't bother Cathy, since Evan constantly calls his baby sister the same names, and Cathy doesn't seem to notice. She is, however, worried about Evan's socializing at school because no one seems to like him.

How do I approach her about this problem, and mention that her son's name-calling is the reason Noah doesn't want to be with him anymore -- and probably part of the reason Evan is not very popular at school -- without causing discord between us? -- PUZZLED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

Dear PUZZLED IN NEW HAMPSHIRE: Unlike you, we're not going to ramble on and on in our reply. The bottom line is that it sounds like Evan has, at his tender age, already figured out that people generally suck, and oftentimes are buttheads, idiots, and stupid. Right now it might bother others that he keeps it so real, but trust us, it will pay off big-time down the road.

And his baby sister is lucky to have a cool brother like Evan.

Previous Column

Tags: ,

 

PWTU in History: The Secession We Wish had Stuck

Part Six of PWTU's Ongoing Series

One-hundred and forty-five years ago today the great sovereign state that is Tennessee officially seceded from these United States. Some of our great-grandparents probably remember this momentous day, a day of celebration across the North-- and a day of deep mourning across the South.

Yes, nobody wanted Tennessee, but someone had to take the bastard child, and her rough upbringing by an unloving parent led the state to indulge in all manner of rebellion. Evidence of this reckless youth is present even today: the Grand Ole Opry, Nashville, Keith Urban/Nicole Kidman, huge yard-sales, and of course, lovely, lovely racism. See what happens when you rear a child wrongly, friends?

Sure, Tennessee isn't all bad. Al Gore is from there... and Morgan Freeman is, too! And we at PWTU would never forget that Dolly Parton hails from the region as well (what up Dollywood?!?). Still, had we lost the great War Between the States, the permanent loss of this ill-gotten child would have been the silver lining.

Tennessee, we'll always love you the way an alcoholic red-neck loves his pissed off, stupid, brain-dead, step-child.

(Source) (Part Five of Series)


6.07.2006

 

Ikea Now!

Part Three of PWTU's Ongoing Series: The Resurrection of Michigan

The Ikea in Canton, Michigan is finally opening this morning. As reported here yesterday we at PWTU would have loved to have camped out in line with the hundreds of Michiganders who couldn't wait for the Swedish store to open, but we have jobs. With Michigan's economy the way it is, though, we probably won't have that problem the next time an Ikea opens...

Actually, that last comment makes us sound pretty cynical. In truth we actually believe Michigan is on the verge of a huge economic recovery, and the Ikea store is part of the reason. Just look at the following chart our staff came up with this morning for our ongoing series, The Resurrection of Michigan:

See? Before Ikea, Michigan is in a slump. By September, though, retail sales will be soaring. You read it here first!

(Source) (Part Two of Series)

6.06.2006

 

Just Another Conservative Douche


Tonight on the Daily Show Jon Stewart decided to truly challenge a conservative pundit. We like Stewart a lot, but sometimes he tries too hard to be gracious for even the vilest of fundamentalist whackos. Not tonight. Here's a great exchange they had over gay marriage:

Bennett: "It comes down to whether or not you believe marriage is between one man, and one woman."

Stewart: "No, it comes down to whether or not you believe homosexuality is a part of the natural human condition, or whether or not you believe it's just a random fetish."

Wow... he almost rivaled Matt Lauer on Ann Coulter this morning.

...just kidding.

Update: The good people over at Crooks and Liars have the video and a full transcript of the Stewart exchange with Bennett.

 

PWTU Birthday Honoree: Sandra Bernhard

Who better to be PWTU's birthday honoree today, on the mark of the beast, than Ms. Sandra Bernhard? Not only is this woman scary looking enough to be a devil herself but she also hails from Flint, Michigan, a city that's a little like Hell on Earth. Trust us, the place is a slime-hole.

Speaking of slime-holes, most of us here at PWTU first became aware of Ms. Bernhard's existance back in the mid-90's. At that time she became a recurring character on that blue-collar sitcom, Roseanne, and we're pretty sure she's the one who had to kiss Roseanne (though we can't be sure). Yuck.

In any event, Ms. Bernhard never quite "made it" as a mainstream celeb. We think it had something to do with the bad acting (or horrifying appearance). But from one Michigander to another, happy 51st anyway, Sandra! Now please stop staring at us.

(Source) (Previous Honoree)


 

Babies are People, Too

...well, maybe not this one. Seriously, how freaky is this? A three-armed baby?!? They removed the arm but still, that child will never be normal.

Maybe it would have been better if they had just allowed him to fulfill his destiny as the world's first Chinese mutant-- he might have grown up to be a superhero. On the other hand, the thought of those commie-jerks having their own X-Men is scary, so I guess the surgery was a good idea after all.

(Source)

 

Swede Freaks

Part Two of PWTU's Ongoing Series
Outside of what is arguably the ugliest building to be constructed in Canton, Michigan in the city's 172-year history, a bunch of people with way too much time on their hands have already begun lining up for Ikea's grand opening tomorrow morning. Not since Revenge of the Sith has an event exposed so many socially awkward people with incredibly strange priorities in life. To be fair, though, the people willing to waste a couple days in line for the Swedish retailers first Michigan store will be rewarded with prizes, with the first 100 people receiving $79 chairs and other miscellaneous gifts. When you think about it, though, these people would have to earn less than $5 an hour to make a $79 prize worth the time off work. With such small incomes, no wonder these people are excited about buying cheap furniture...


(Source) (Part One of Series)

 

Dehumanizing? Damn.

Well, it's been a mere 12-hours since the staff of PWTU voted unanimously to join Stephen Colbert in his denunciation of slavery and, you guessed it, everyone else has decided to join us. Who's everyone else, you ask? Why, the United States government, that's who (with "else" equaling "Germany", btw).

It's amazing to us, though, that it took them even that long. Slavery was a destructive, evil practice that this nation allowed to continue for far too long. And unlike these Johnny-come-latelys, we at PWTU were helping form this bandwagon long before "World Cup sex" became a buzz-word (or buzz-phrase?).

Even though we were clearly in the right long before they were, we at PWTU are glad that CNN, the AP, Reuters, and everyone else who recently realized that slavery is wrong, now join us in our disdain for it. Good for you, everyone else; good for you.

(Source)

6.05.2006

 

Colbert: Slavery "was wrong"

On Saturday, June 3 2006, Stephen Colbert gave the commencement address for students at Knox College in Illinois. In a speech reminiscent of his White House Correspondents Dinner appearance, Mr. Colbert boldly declared that he believes slavery "was wrong".

We at PWTU couldn't agree more, and we would like to go on the record right now as being totally anti-slavery ourselves. Not only was it wrong, it was downright rude, and we don't think it should ever be implemented again.

(Source)

 

WWPWTUD - You're Awesome...SIKE!

Part Three in PWTU's Ongoing Series

DEAR ABBY: Several months ago, I met and fell in love with an amazing woman I'll call "Maria." My problem is, although she makes me happy, and it thrills me to hear that she wants to spend the rest of her life with me, she kids me about breaking up on a regular basis. Sometimes it'll be a simple, "We're over! Oh -- just kidding," or, "We're done! I need a new man -- just kidding."
This humor of hers hurts a lot. She justifies it by saying that I don't have a sense of humor and that I take things too seriously. Abby, I love Maria with all my heart, and I want to have a future with her. But it hurts every time she does this. What should I do? -- ETHAN IN WAYNETOWN, IND.

Dear ETHAN IN WAYNETOWN, IND.: First, let us just say that it looks like you've found yourself a great woman. Second, it sounds to us like Maria might be expressing how she really feels about the relationship when she says these hurtful (but fucking hilarious) things to you. It's called passive-aggressiveness, and we here at PWTU know it when we see it! One of our staffers used to have quite a problem with PA; she would routinely say things to other employees like "You smell bad, go take a shower... just kidding!" or "Your wife is having an affair... just playin'!" Yeah, it was quite problematic for us, so we got her the counseling she needed, and now she is nice as pie.

However, we do not recommend sending your beloved Maria to counseling; we suggest instead that you fight fire with fire. Think about the possibilities: "Welp, I saw my doctor this morning; it's AIDs.... just kidding, honey!" Or, after a vigorous bout of lovemaking: "Damn, the condom popped! Oops!... just messin' with ya!" See what we mean? Have a little fun with it!

Oh, and ETHAN IN WAYNETOWN, IND.: You're a pussy... kidding, of course! :)




 

PWTU in History: A Republican Hero

Part Five of PWTU's Ongoing Series
Thirty-eight years ago today Republicans everywhere celebrated the assassination of would-be president Robert F. Kennedy. The former attorney general had just won the California Democratic presidential primary when a pile-of-shit shaped like a man, Sirhan Sirhan, put a couple of bullets in the New York Senator's skull. Kennedy's death paved the way for Richard Nixon's election later that year (an administration that was good for the country), Ronald Reagan's election in 1980 (which was great for the country), and George W. Bush's election in 2000 (which has been a spectacular success for the country!).

Seriously, though, we at PWTU are so freakin' glad that assassinations went out of vogue years ago-- now the 'pubs just steal elections the old fashioned way. We also think it's funny that Sirhan Sirhan (a man so nice they named him twice!) languishes in prison to this day, oblivious to the fact that he did more to ruin this country than any other individual in our nation's history.

(Source) (Part Four of Series)

 

Week's End Review

...Pistons lost, Pistons lost, Pistons mother-fucking lost!!!

...congratulations to Dan for winning the iPod on Saturday night. His victory just goes to show that nice guys rarely finish first, and that they have to cheat like crazy when they do (yes, we're still bitter).

...not since the Nazis invaded Poland has a war ended so quickly. This morning the PWTU staff voted 3-1 to accept HailDubyus' unconditional surrender, which they announced shortly after hostilities began Friday night. Congratulations to HailDubyus for making the right decision!

...finally, what's with that Mel Gibson movie trailer? It's been six months since someone figured out that if you press pause in QuickTime when you see the screaming monkey (about two-thirds of the way through) and then go backwards, frame by frame, you'll suddenly see none other than Mel Gibson standing there. Has anyone figured out why this was done yet? Was Mel trying to show that he has a sense of humor, or that he's finally lost his mind? Either way it's still fucked up, man, fucked up!


(Hail Dubyus Source)
(Mel Gibson Source)

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