A Declaration of War
It is with a heavy heart that we make this Friday afternoon post. After much internal debate amongst the PWTU staff, votes were cast this morning and a unanimous decision was reached to declare war on blogger Gregorius Alexandrensis. We do not enjoy the prospect of war, in fact we loathe it. But we at PWTU have always maintained that should such a conflict come our way, that we must fight it.
Earlier this week Mr. Alexandrensis, who runs a blog entitled "Hail Dubyus", practically begged us for a link exchange (see photo, below). After reviewing his site we decided it was worthy of the huge amount of PWTU traffic he would enjoy from such an arrangement. We responded to Mr. Al's request in the affirmative and immediately added him to our blog-roll.
That was literally days ago, and Mr. Al has yet to hold up his end of the bargain by posting a link back to our site.
This is a blatant slap in the face. If such betrayal should be allowed to go unchallenged, imagine the possible repercussions! The entire blog-o-sphere could be shattered. The Internet could collapse as webmasters betray webmasters and web-surfers find themselves lost in a sea of broken links. Society would suffer immensely as a result, unless we of PWTU triumph; as triumph we must, as triumph we shall.
Consider yourself at war now, Mr. Alexandrensis. You will rue the day you joined the ranks of the people worse than us.
A School Named Stoney
The Detroit Free Press reports today that a Rochester Hills, MI high school teacher is rescinding his resignation after students held protests in support of him yesterday. According to the article, Ben Clevenger, a 2-year veteran of Stoney Creek High, says he was forced to resign after a wild-trip in Europe where (OMG!) students got drunk and rowdy. Of course the district claims they never asked him to step down but Clevenger, 24, claims otherwise.
"I was resigning under duress," he now says with slightly closed, bloodshot eyes.
Look: we at PWTU feel that the Rochester Hills School District needs to chill out on this one. With a school named "stoney" what did they think would happen on a school trip to Europe? Our embedded sources claim that half the student body, and faculty, are high most of the time anyway, so who gives a shit if a few teenagers got drunk (legally), too? It's nothing to force a resignation over.
As for the student "protests", we at PWTU thinks it's cute when teenagers think they can make a difference. We're sure Clevenger will remember them fondly next year at whatever new district he ends up at.
Just Once We Want to Use a Siren, Too
You know, there's a reason the Republican Party's color is red: they're secretly communists. You heard it here first... which makes this post an exclusive. Which means the siren is warranted. Sweet sweetness.
(Source) (Part Two of Series)
PWTU Birthday Honoree: Morgan Freeman
It’s Morgan Freeman’s birthday! Yes, the perpetual narrator turns 69 today. Hard to believe that it was only seven decades ago that some lady gave birth to the star of such films as Hallow Image, Robin Hood: Prince of Theives, and Johnny Handsome. Can you imagine what his delivery must have been like? We at PWTU think that he probably narrated it himself:
At this point we imagine that a beautifully orchestrated soundtrack would have begun and that baby-Morgan would have flashed that award-winning smile of his.
In any event, here’s to you, Mr. Freeman, on your special day! You’re a fine actor and quite a looker, we must admit, and if it wasn’t for the fact you’re so old there’s no way we’d consider ourselves your superior.
But you are, so we do.
(Source) (Previous Honoree)
WWPWTUD - A Rose by any other Name?
Today PWTU tackles the bizarre problems of HURT IN LOUISIANA, as seen on Dear Abbey:
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to resolve something between me and my boyfriend. I bought him three yellow roses, and he was insulted! He says yellow roses mean only friendship. My grandmother says three roses mean love. I think ANY rose says I love you.
Is red the only color rose that means I love you? -- HURT IN LOUISIANA
DEAR HURT IN LOUISIANA: We are a wee bit confused by this question. We notice that you do not identify what gender you are, which impels us to assume that you are male, and that you are writing about your boyfriend, and that you both are gay. Because first of all, what girl is stupid enough to think her (straight) boyfriend might be impressed by flowers? And even if there is a girl out there who is that dense, what straight guy would whine about the color of said roses? If we are wrong, and you are in fact female, we urge you to think about what you are doing with a man who is obviously in the closet.
Additionally, everyone knows that the only true way to show your love for another person involves mouth-to-genital contact.
Have a nice day, and thanks for confusing the fuck out of us.
Hoffa Nice Holloway?
...or holiday? Whatever. We at PWTU did anyway, which is why it's been hard to snap out of our relaxin-vacation mode coming off of Memorial Day weekend; it's hard work maintaining a daily blog dedicated to people worse than us (there are so many!), you know. We'll be back to our old selves soon, but until then please enjoy some PWTU classics.
PWTU Salutes Mt. St. Helens
R.I.P. Deshaun "Proof" Holton
WWPWTUD (What Would PWTU Do)?
We here at PWTU are completely addicted to advice columnists, because we are so addled and overwhelmed by our day-to-day problems we will take any advice we can get.
But because we are so well-read in the advice-giving department, shouldn't we be allowed to dish it out, too?
So, beginning today, PWTU will find advice-seeking letters addressed to various advice columnists and provide our own pearls of wisdom. This is strictly so we can show the world what we can do; we then expect the lost and confused to inundate us with pleas for help.
Today we present a letter that was originally addressed to Dear Abby; while her advice was so-so, we feel we should be able to put a much more realistic spin on CRAZY IN LOVE's predicament:
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and I have been dating this girl, "Beth," for two months and three weeks -- a long time for me. When we started dating, I told her I had had sex before, and I had just quit smoking and drinking and stuff. Well, Beth told her mom, and now her mom doesn't believe I quit!
I want Beth's mom to approve of me because it'll make it easier for her to deal with me, because I really like Beth. I've been to their house three times, and I've met her mom, her dad and her aunt, but her mom talks about me behind my back. She's threatening to break us up -- but I haven't done anything to her mom. I'm usually polite and well-mannered, but she just doesn't like me. Please help me. We don't plan on having sex. Beth wants to wait, which is fine with me. -- CRAZY IN LOVE, FORT STEWART, GA.DEAR CRAZY IN LOVE: Why don't you try being honest with yourself, as well as Beth's parents. You have given up smoking and drinking "and stuff" (pot? heroin? Vicodin?); do you really expect anyone to believe that you plan on abstaining from sex, as well? Who, besides the freakin' Pope (and that's probably up for debate) could get through one day without at least one of those vices?
Our best advice to you is to come clean to Beth's parents. Tell them that the only way you can hope to stay away from smoking, drugs and alcohol is to be ensured that you can bonk their daughter at least three times per week. Do they want you to become a hard-core substance abuser? How would their conscience deal with the knowledge that had they allowed their daughter to have regular sex with you, you would never have fallen down that slippery slope?
In other words, guilt-trip 'em. It'll work. You can thank us later.
PWTU Celebrates: Peru's National Potato Day
The fine people of Peru are celebrating a quaint holiday today: La Fiesta de la Papa (The Potato Party). Apparently, potatos are a big fucking deal to Peruvians, as evidenced by a website dedicated to las papas. Here is but one example of Peru's oddly-placed enthusiasm for the starchy tuber:
They sure seem to expend a lot of energia on las papas. And why not? We here at PWTU love them, too. In fact, if not for potatos, a good 75% of our diet would be missing. From potato pancakes in the morning, to french fries at lunch, to baked potatos (loaded) at dinner; not to mention the ritual midnight snack of potato chips, we can't get enough of the little guys.
Although our country hasn't progressed enough to make potato-lovin' a national holiday, we here at PWTU concur with the logic of the Peruvians, and join them in celebrating this important day.
Viva las papas!
We Love our Country, Yes we Do!
Anyway, this past Memorial Day we at PWTU learned:
1.) ...that the needless deaths of our country's finest will only ever be extenisvely covered if news correspondents are involved.
2.) ...that the worse a movie franchise gets, the more money it will rake in.
3.) ...that the Detroit Pistons like to scare their fans (but we still believe!).
4.) ...and finally, we learned that sewers and indoor plumbing kick total ass. You see, we here at PWTU just learned first hand (pictured below) that a broken sewage line beneath a house's foundation isn't the end of the world. We also learned that fixing it makes everything smell like open-sewer for a while. Still, running water makes it totally worth it-- God bless indoor plumbing!