The Very Definition of People Worse than Us
"The charges for which Lay was convicted carry a maximum penalty in prison of 45 years in the corporate trial and 120 years in the personal banking trial. The charges for which Skilling was convicted carry a maximum penalty of 185 years in prison."
Here's hoping they both go away for over a century. Oh, and you can read the rest here: Lay, Skilling convicted in Enron collapse - Yahoo! News
Every Boy's Fantasy?
There is some kind of saying, or adage, or something that says that every boy's fantasy is to make love to an older woman (i.e. a teacher). In this case, 44 year old Linda Ann McBride has been arrested for carrying on a sexual relationship with a 13 year old boy.
We here at PWTU are astounded that this woman was the seductor, and not the seductee.
This is News to Us!
Inquiring minds want to know!
Hump Day Mish-Mash
Think Progress is reporting that Tom Delay's legal defense fund thinks Stephen Colbert is really a conservative. Isn't he?
Taylor Hicks is your new American Idol. Is this website why?
ABC news reports that House Speaker Dennis Hastert is under investigation by the FBI. We so love it when fat, rich white men get in trouble!
...wait, now they're reporting that he isn't. Damn. Was this another GOP election-year ploy like the whole faked papers / 60 Minutes / Bush / National Guard thing?
Democracy For America is still around. We were shocked, too.
And finally, they're still looking for Hoffa. Here's hoping that they find him in his secret underground lair soon...
Repent! Repent! Repent!
It's over now. It's all over. The end is here and Matt Drudge is the first to report it. I knew it'd be sorta like this, I knew it all along...
PWTU In History: Quite Frankly, This is Stretching It
Okay, according to our good friends at Wikipedia (of which we are honored to be a humble contributor), today is the anniversary of the end of World War 2:
WTF? I mean, I guess that if you looked into it hard enough, any date falling between January 1945 and December 1946 could be argued as an "end date" to the Second World War. Hell, I'm sure there are some pretentious pricks out there who could argue that the war didn't end until Winston Churchill's death in 1965. But the truth is that every war ever waged has had one definitive date that began it, and one definitive date that ended it. And in the case of WW2, today is certainly not a recognized ending to that global conflict. Remember, remember, the 7th of May, my friends. That's the real "end date" to WW2, in Europe at least.
Long story short, we at PWTU don't consider today an anniversary of the end of WW2 anymore than we consider May 1 an end to our current war in Iraq. And to all you miserable failures who disagree, well, do some research outside of Wikipedia for a change. Then you'll see. Just as we did*.
*All research for this article provided by Wikipedia.
Part Three of Series
Colbert vs. The Red Hot Chili Peppers
What does it say about the current state of the recording industry when an audio file of Stephen Colbert's White House Press Correspondents' speech is the number one "album" being sold on the number one online music store, iTunes? We at PWTU believe it means that America gets it. It could mean, however, that the new Chili Peppers album just isn't very good.
Lee Oswald He Ain't
So this kid, Peter something, got busted again by the Secret Service: last year it was for threatening Bush's life (in addition to leaving a voicemail on a Secret Service Agent's cell phone threatening to blow up some Federal buildings). This time the kid was busted for manufacturing some bogus Secret Service ID cards.
Obviously this moron isn't the sharpest tool in the shed, and I'm sure he isn't very stable, either. But here's my question: why was he free to conterfeit these ID cards this year? Shouldn't he have been locked up? The only thing I can think is that the Secret Service, and the Federal Prosecutors, aren't very passionate about protecting George the Second. Someone who cares should probably look into this...
The Canton-Ikea Crackdown
In four cities across the United States this year the international chain of furniture stores, Ikea, will be holding grand openings. Boston, Chicago and West Sacramento are accustomed to such grandiose events, and the citizens of these fair cities will barely notice the Swedish invasion of their land. Not so in Canton, Michigan, where all of Metro-Detroit is waiting with baited breath for June 7th when a new Ikea store will open its doors at Haggerty and Ford Roads.
Is this the beginning of the resurrection of Michigan? We here at PWTU believe that yes, obviously, it must be. This is why we will be offering extensive coverage of this watershed moment in Michigan-retail history beginning with this entry. Our goal is to keep the hum-drum city of Canton from screwing up what could be a turning point in Michigan's economy.
How could they possibly screw-the-pooch on this one, you ask? Frankly we didn't think it was possible either. After all, Canton's booming growth has been a rare bright-spot for Michigan's ailing economy for some time now. The problem, as we see it, is that Canton has grown too much, too fast, and the leaders of this little town have thus become drunk with authoritarian-like power.
Take, for instance, a recent report in the Detroit Free Press suggesting that the Canton Police Department will be stepping-up their patrols in the area surrounding the new Ikea very soon. Citing the danger of the nearby intersection, the CPD has decided to use the deaths of a few people at this crazy intersection to crack down on speeders and other careless drivers. And sure, this effort may save some reckless drivers from themselves (and others), but won't this Stalin-like enforcement also doom the Ikea store from success? Our theory, based on absolutely no supporting evidence, is that of course it will! We therefore hope and pray that the good citizens of Canton will petition their city-leaders and demand they keep their hands off Ikea and its surrounding area. And before anyone suggests otherwise, no, we at PWTU do not like to speed there (we like to speed everywhere). This isn't personal: this is about the good of the state.
So speak up, Canton! Demand that your leaders stop the CPD from overstepping their bounds... tell them to keep their "Hands Off Mykea!"*.
*Editors Note: If you think that's a good pun, listen to this: the original title for this entry was "Ikea but I Don't Believe Ya!", but during today's daily PWTU editorial meeting this ingenious title was shot-down for being too "punny". Frankly I still don't believe it was punny enough. Thanks a lot, Ring.