5.12.2006

 

Giggle-Gaggle


So the new White House Press Secretary, Mr. Tony Snow, held his first "press gaggle" today.

What's a press gaggle? It's this little daily shin-dig where the self-proclaimed "important journalists" get a chance to kick back and relax with the Press Secretary-- more accurately, it's sort of a rehearsal for the live daily press conferences (of which Mr. Snow has held exactly zero to date). I guess the logic is that since there aren't any cameras everyone can be more honest with each other, or something.

Anyway, Mr. Snow did a tremendous job. Not only did he lack about half the information the journalists there wanted but he forced them all into his small office (some of them had to stand in the hallway!) instead of the traditional briefing room. Awesome.

Unfortunately the proceedings took on a heavy tone when Mr. Snow was forced to explain to the journalists which former Secretaries of State and Defense had not received invitations to an important briefing/meeting this afternoon with the President. See, they had a similar meeting back in January, and some media-elitists were curious if there would be any changes in the invitations going out this time... Snow's response:

"The only changes, obviously, Caspar Weinberger, the President will be saying some -- will have some gracious things to say about the late Secretary of State -- I mean, Secretary of Defense. Also Sonny Montgomery has died, I don't know if you know that; at some point we're going to have a statement about that today, as well.

I guess it didn't go without saying that dead people wouldn't be in attendance. On a side note, I didn't know who Sonny Montgomery was either. He must not have been that important.
All in all it was a good day for Mr. Snow and, by extension, the nation as a whole. We a PWTU look forward to many more months of incompetence from him and the reporters he services.
(Source)

 

PWTU Birthday Honoree: Stephen Baldwin


Today Stephen Baldwin turns forty
Or what some may call over the hill
Surely he'll hang with his brothers
Just the thought of that gives us a thrill
Daniel will arrive with the food and the cake
William the porn mags and pot
Alec will bring in a boatload of booze
Oh shit, Stevie's born again--our bad, we forgot!


 

PWTU Milestone #1: French Invasion

Here at PWTU, we do not obsessively check our Sitemeter, because that is for losers. However, we do once in a while, such as earlier today. And something we saw certainly piqued our interest: our first European visitor!
While we were busy busting out the champagne (like we need a reason; okay, it is actually MGD), our intrepid graphic design lackey grabbed a screenshot of the historic moment:



This screenshot contains something of a mixed message, but that is okay. They probably only stayed for 0 seconds because they couldn't understand English.
Adieu!

 

O'Reilly is un Amigo de los Mexicanos

Translation: he is a friend of the Mexican people. He even said so on his show:

• "I'm not afraid of Mexican immigrants. I'm not afraid, you know, you're my compadre." — Bill O'Reilly, The O'Reilly Factor, May 10 (Source)

It's so good to know that O'Reilly is fond of our neighbors to the south. It sort of gives me a warm, fuzzy feeling inside. It almost makes up for O'Reilly's uber-pervy sexual harrassment practices.

This breathtaking revelation by the Fox News personality has not, however, proved him to be a better person than myself. Because I like the Mexican people, too, and I am their friend. Heck, I am a friend of the entire North American continent and its peoples. Top that, O'Reilly!

Our staff cartoonist has toiled away on a depiction of O'Reilly's amistad with Mexicans; although it may take a little time to understand its deep symbolism, please do not inundate us with angry comments demanding its explanation. Just let it do what it does best: bring a tear to the eye.


 

Hey There, Hi There

Part One of PWTU's Ongoing Series: The Commies Are Coming


On the left, Soviet Chairman Nikita Khrushchev (circa 1960-something). On the right, General Michael Hayden, President Bush's nominee to replace Porter Goss as CIA director (circa 2006-something). Look disturbingly similar? Well, they should. One is a fat-headed white man who rose to prominence in the military with ambitions to one day solidify his government's power by monitoring his country's citizens with secret police, wiretaps, and the like. The other became leader of the Soviet Union in 1954.

Now, before anyone misunderstands us, we at PWTU are not saying that Gen. Hayden can speak Russian or that he conspired to put nuclear missiles into Cuba in 1962. What we're simply insinuating is that the guy is pure evil and that it's scary-as-hell that an active military leader could become director of a civilian organization like the CIA. Besides, this is the man behind Bush's bold idea to skirt the constitution by illegally wiretapping American citizens' phone calls without a warrant... sounds pretty communist to us.

(Source) (Source)


 

Proof in the Pudding

So just because a B-List rapper shot and killed an army-veteren (and got shot and killed himself as a result) the City of Detroit is forcing my favorite after-hours bar (the C.C.C. club on 8 Mile Road) to close for a year. Such bullshit! It would be one thing if the closing was a memorial of some kind for the victims (the army-vet and the dude who was famous for being Eminem's friend) but grief over the two men's deaths had nothing to do with the city's decision. No, the Wayne County Prosecutor is just pissed because the bar was operating illegally. Believe it or not bars are only allowed to be open until 2am in Michigan. Such crap, I know, which is why we metro-Detroiters depend on these so-called "illegal" clubs to fuel or alcholic needs 24/7.

So thanks, Mr. Deshaun "Proof" Holton, you've ruined it for everyone once again. Hope you're happy.

...oh wait, you can't be happy. You're dead. Touche.

(Source)

5.11.2006

 

Florida Boob Inspector

Just when I thought I was a pretty smooth cat I ran across a story about a Florida man who came up with an ingenious way to cop a feel. Apparently the 76-year-old man, Mr. Philip Winikoff, was going door-to-door in a Florida neighborhood pretending to be a doctor offering free breast exams. Sheer genius, I know, especially since it worked. Wish I'd thought of it! The good news is that apparently handling sweater-puppies on false pretenses is illegal. Not so smart after all you dirty, old, genius of a man, you!

Him: Evil-genius, ladies' man, incarcerated.
Me: Benevolent-genius, ladies' friend, not in jail.
Winner: Close, but all the boobage in the world can't beat the sweet taste of freedom. Me.


The Smoking Gun: Fake Breast Doc Busted

 

Treason!

Apparently the sexy-skank of the right-wing, Ms. Ann "McCarthy-was-right" Coulter, likes to lie. And while we at PWTU already knew about her penchant for spewing bullshit in her columns, books, and TV interviews (why she still gets booked is beyond us-- note to CNN: the staff of PWTU are available for any show other than your AM program... we're Today Show loyalists), what we didn't know is that she apparently loves to lie to the government, too.

God I hope she goes to jail. It'll never happen, but her incarceration would certainly prove once and for all that we're her intellectual* superior. In any event, let's recap: In our long-running feud with Ms. Coulter the score is now 14 to 0 in our favor. Yes! (Source)


*If we had conspired to commit voter and tax fraud we wouldn't have gotten caught... we're too smart for that.

 

I've Never Been Voted Off of American Idol


Which is more than I can say for loser-of-the-minute Chris Daughtry.
This comparison prompts--no, compels--me to conclude that I am vastly superior to this man.
Some say it is better to try and fail than to never try at all. To them I say: it is better to keep your illusions of grandeur and massive ego in the confines of your delusional brain than to suffer the horrible humiliation in knowing that America doesn't want you.
Chin up, Chris: there's always The Surreal Life. (Source)

 

Marketing at its Finest

I'm so much closer to being the PC-dork guy in those new Mac ads than I am to being the cool, hip, younger one (you know, the guy who comes across as counter-chic but only slightly smug?). Why? Because I use PC's exclusively (I've never even come across a Mac in real life). Could this fact make me a middle-aged, stuck-up, dorky-looking white male as the commercials suggest?

Nah. Fact is that even after watching these embarrisingly transparent ads I still have no intention of ever buying a Mac. In fact, I swear this now: I will never ever own an Apple computer. Fuck you corporate marketing, you lose this round...

5.10.2006

 

How to Act Smart (Part I)

Despite this domain name, we're not just here to criticize people who aren't as good as me and my contributors. Our purpose is also to help people learn the tricks necessary to prove their superiority to those around them. Our first installment involves intelligence: how to fool people into thinking you know more than they do (it's easier than you think!).

Memorize the proper name (and proper pronunciation) of every head of state of every nation in the world.

You know it'll come up in conversation eventually (even if you only keep company with pot-head losers): current events. People around you will try to repeat news stories in order to demonstrate their worldliness. Imagine how impressed they'll be when you one-up them by not only knowing the same news stories but by being able to correctly pronounce the exotic names involved! Whether it's firing off Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's borderline made-up name or referring to Fidel Castro's nation as "Koo-bah", you're bound to expose the inferiority of your contemporaries just by taking the time to practice a few tricky pronounciations. Remember: if Alec Trebek can do it so can you.



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