WWPWTUD (What Would PWTU Do)?

Part One of PWTU's Ongoing Series

We here at PWTU are completely addicted to advice columnists, because we are so addled and overwhelmed by our day-to-day problems we will take any advice we can get.
But because we are so well-read in the advice-giving department, shouldn't we be allowed to dish it out, too?
So, beginning today, PWTU will find advice-seeking letters addressed to various advice columnists and provide our own pearls of wisdom. This is strictly so we can show the world what we can do; we then expect the lost and confused to inundate us with pleas for help.
Today we present a letter that was originally addressed to Dear Abby; while her advice was so-so, we feel we should be able to put a much more realistic spin on CRAZY IN LOVE's predicament:

DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and I have been dating this girl, "Beth," for two months and three weeks -- a long time for me. When we started dating, I told her I had had sex before, and I had just quit smoking and drinking and stuff. Well, Beth told her mom, and now her mom doesn't believe I quit!

I want Beth's mom to approve of me because it'll make it easier for her to deal with me, because I really like Beth. I've been to their house three times, and I've met her mom, her dad and her aunt, but her mom talks about me behind my back. She's threatening to break us up -- but I haven't done anything to her mom. I'm usually polite and well-mannered, but she just doesn't like me. Please help me. We don't plan on having sex. Beth wants to wait, which is fine with me. -- CRAZY IN LOVE, FORT STEWART, GA.

DEAR CRAZY IN LOVE: Why don't you try being honest with yourself, as well as Beth's parents. You have given up smoking and drinking "and stuff" (pot? heroin? Vicodin?); do you really expect anyone to believe that you plan on abstaining from sex, as well? Who, besides the freakin' Pope (and that's probably up for debate) could get through one day without at least one of those vices?
Our best advice to you is to come clean to Beth's parents. Tell them that the only way you can hope to stay away from smoking, drugs and alcohol is to be ensured that you can bonk their daughter at least three times per week. Do they want you to become a hard-core substance abuser? How would their conscience deal with the knowledge that had they allowed their daughter to have regular sex with you, you would never have fallen down that slippery slope?
In other words, guilt-trip 'em. It'll work. You can thank us later.

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