The Canton-Ikea Crackdown
In four cities across the United States this year the international chain of furniture stores, Ikea, will be holding grand openings. Boston, Chicago and West Sacramento are accustomed to such grandiose events, and the citizens of these fair cities will barely notice the Swedish invasion of their land. Not so in Canton, Michigan, where all of Metro-Detroit is waiting with baited breath for June 7th when a new Ikea store will open its doors at Haggerty and Ford Roads.
Is this the beginning of the resurrection of Michigan? We here at PWTU believe that yes, obviously, it must be. This is why we will be offering extensive coverage of this watershed moment in Michigan-retail history beginning with this entry. Our goal is to keep the hum-drum city of Canton from screwing up what could be a turning point in Michigan's economy.
How could they possibly screw-the-pooch on this one, you ask? Frankly we didn't think it was possible either. After all, Canton's booming growth has been a rare bright-spot for Michigan's ailing economy for some time now. The problem, as we see it, is that Canton has grown too much, too fast, and the leaders of this little town have thus become drunk with authoritarian-like power.
Take, for instance, a recent report in the Detroit Free Press suggesting that the Canton Police Department will be stepping-up their patrols in the area surrounding the new Ikea very soon. Citing the danger of the nearby intersection, the CPD has decided to use the deaths of a few people at this crazy intersection to crack down on speeders and other careless drivers. And sure, this effort may save some reckless drivers from themselves (and others), but won't this Stalin-like enforcement also doom the Ikea store from success? Our theory, based on absolutely no supporting evidence, is that of course it will! We therefore hope and pray that the good citizens of Canton will petition their city-leaders and demand they keep their hands off Ikea and its surrounding area. And before anyone suggests otherwise, no, we at PWTU do not like to speed there (we like to speed everywhere). This isn't personal: this is about the good of the state.
So speak up, Canton! Demand that your leaders stop the CPD from overstepping their bounds... tell them to keep their "Hands Off Mykea!"*.
*Editors Note: If you think that's a good pun, listen to this: the original title for this entry was "Ikea but I Don't Believe Ya!", but during today's daily PWTU editorial meeting this ingenious title was shot-down for being too "punny". Frankly I still don't believe it was punny enough. Thanks a lot, Ring.