PWTU Up Close And Personal, Part I : Konica

And now, after a much-needed hiatus, we present to you the first of our own, personal accounts of struggle, strife, and ultimate redemption.

Konica 2820's Roommate Pleads: "Give My Copier Back"

UNDISCLOSED, Michigan (CNN) -- The woman who shares an office with Konica 2820 made an impassioned plea to her coworker Brian Tuesday night, calling on him to "give my copy machine back to me."

After receiving the dire error code of F42 on late Monday evening, service technicians were told not to bother coming out to repair the ailing machine. No toner or other necessities were provided effective the afternoon of March 28 under court order, and the service techs have predicted the out-dated, poorly-performing copy machine would die in the next few days.

Its officemate, ring., uttered two sentences at a news conference: "Brian and Dan, you have your own means of making copies – your fax machine, for instance. Please, please give my copier back to me."

The woman was addressing her coworkers Brian and Dan, who have from the beginning of this tragedy maintained that the machine has seen its last reproduced order form or invoice.

Late Tuesday, George Feos, the lawyer for Brian, issued a written statement saying, "The courts have repeatedly said this case is not about ring., Brian or any other third party. It's about this copy machine, Konica, and its own wishes not to be kept alive artificially."

Brian maintains the copier would not want to be kept alive in its condition, which technicians have ruled that, suffering from an F-42 error code (i.e. The "Death Knoll" of copiers) the machine would never again function at anywhere near its intended capacity. ring., however, claims it could improve with intense therapy, routine maintenace and "a little bit of TLC".

ring. was surrounded by supporters Wednesday night outside the office complex in UNDISCLOSED, including a woman carrying a sign that read, "Cowardly Brian!"

ring. contends the entire office could have done more to save their copy machine, although they repeatedly told her that they had done everything they could legally and ethically do. "What we are afraid of is that in saving the Konica, what would we unintentionally be creating?" Dan told Devin Scillian. "The regret would be far too much, and we are emotionally unable to continue watching the suffering of this dignified machine."

Felos said Tuesday night he visited the copier about 6:30 p.m. He said its normally bright-green lights were a dull, matte amber color, its toner completely "dried and crusted," but that it was being cared for by well-trained workers who are fond of it.

Felos said it has a stuffed toy animal poking out from its cover and that there are religious pictures, rosaries, and little religious figurines surrounded by lit candles in its office room, describing the setting as "very calm and peaceful."

His description differs from that of ring., who contends that the Konica is suffering and that its condition shows in its jammed paper tray and numerous inky blots.

ring. said after visiting the machine that "it's failing" but "doing darn good under the circumstances. I wiped it down with a dry cloth and spoke to it for a while. They say that even in these condition, the machines can hear and that they do understand. Perhaps they even take some comfort from it."

The Rev. Patrick Mahoney, a conservative copy machine activist who has helped spearhead protests for ring. and her supporters, stood outside the office park with a handful of people.

When the Konica 2820 story ends, he said, "The campaign after that final chapter is written is: Never again."

CNN's A. Nuss and Joe Mahma contributed to this report.



People Worse Than Us Lives!

Contrary to widely circulated reports, neither this blog nor its favorite American Hero, Mr. Kenneth Lay, are dead. That's right, Ken Lay lives! And as long as he does, people worse than us always will, too.

God bless you, Mr. Lay!

(Incorrect Source)



Hump Day Mish-Mash 3

...it was with muted shock that we at PWTU learned of the Senate's failure to pass an anti flag-burning amendment to our constitution on Tuesday night. Shocking indeed: who would have thought there were 34 Senators smart enough to reject this bullcrap? Incidentally, there are 48-Democrats in the Senate right now-- we never said that all Democrats are smart.

...perhaps surpassing our shock at the flag-burning issue was the announcement made by Senate minority leader Harry Reid (D-Nevada) that he'd heard about our minimum-wage rage. He now promises to prevent a wage-increase for members of Congress unless minimum wage for people who actually need it goes up, too. Something tells us no one's gettin' paid this year, Senator, but thanks anyway!

...on a more serious note, apparently Paris Hilton's new song is going to debut on the Billboard Hot 100 in the Top 10. See what hard-work, right-living, and grainy homemade sex-videos can get you, kids?

...finally, remember our war with Metafilter? Yeah, that still rages, and we continue to fight the good fight. If we weren't so STD-ridden we would have certainly crushed them underneath our heel by now, but things happen, you know? Gots to take care o' dem weird groin-itches, first, friends!!

(Hump Day 2)



PWTU Celebrates: National HIV Testing Day

Today, PWTU joins such luminaries as Selma Hayek, Nick Cannon and Dennis Haysbert in recognizing and promoting National HIV Testing Day. Yesterday, our staff held an informal poll and were shocked and dismayed to discover that the vast majority of us have never--not once!-- had an HIV test done before. A second informal poll revealed it was clearly not because PWTU staffers lead mundane sex lives, either; it seemed to be due to sheer laziness served up with a dash of ignorance.

Which is why, in honor of National HIV Testing Day, we here at PWTU embarked on our first official field trip-- to our county's Health Department for anonymous/confidential HIV screening.
Well, anonymous/confidential to a degree. In the spirit of hoping to remove some of the stigma from this horrid disease, we reached a near-unanimous agreement to put our results on little folded-up pieces of paper in a baseball cap (sort of anonymous, right?) then create the cliche-yet-beloved pie chart demonstrating our results.

Needless to say, we were a bit disappointed by the statistics. We have since (since this morning, that is), taken extraordinary measures to protect the clean, non-infected of our ranks from coming into contact with what we affectionaly have began referring to as the "walking dead" amongst us... the anonymous walking dead.


Way Too Easy

The ol' elephant trunk looking kinda limp there, lately? It certainly must have to Rush Limbaugh, and probably on more than one occasion. According to the AP the right-wing propagandist was detained at Palm Beach International Airport after authorities found a bottle of prescription pills that didn't belong to him with his belongings. What kind of pills? Vicodin? Oxicotton? Some other kind of opiate?

Nope, even better: Viagra.

That's right, Viagra! You can't make this stuff up. Apparently the Republican point-man, the man with his finger on the pulse of Conservative America, has been lacking an important "pulse" of his own, lately.

Oh Lord, this is too funny to even write about anymore. We're going to go ahead and post this entry anyway, but the PWTU staff reserves the right to add mocking one-liners throughout the day. Because, come on: an illegal prescription for Viagra? Hilarious.




Republicans are Stupid

At PWTU we have accused Republicans of being communists, we've attacked the right-wing's spokeswoman (Ann Coulter) of being a subsidized instrument of the conservative cause, and we were the first to prove that Jack Murtha (our new hero) was correct when he accused "Bush's Brain", Karl Rove, of having a fat ass. We've also called for the restoration of strong American labor unions, we've supported some of Stephen Colbert's more controversial remarks, and we've looked into some crazy environmentalism conspiracy theories.

Is it any wonder, then, that our Google AdSense ads are beginning to target Republican web-surfers?

Google claims that their ads are "related to what your visitors are looking for on your site or matched to the characteristics and interests of the visitors your content attracts". In other words, given the pictured example to your left (click to enlarge), Google must think the following:

1.) People worse than us are attracted to Republican material.
2.) The kind of people who surf through random blogs are lonely and single (and Republican).
3.) Anything having to do with Communism (we have a feeling that soon, very soon, the search term "how to become a communist") will attract record numbers of our Chinese visitors, our MetaFilter visitors, and most importantly, our Republican visitors.

Google must be right, because we're making money hand over fist with this blog. And unless the title of this particular entry puts an end to our new influx of cash, we hope to God Google doesn't make any changes to their AdSense algorithms any time soon.

Keep on clicking those Google ads, you Republican nuts! Or at least get yourselves a new ringtone or two-- they would most definitely impress your hot new date.

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WTF: Minimum Rage

Part One of PWTU's Ongoing Series: WTF?!

Where is the outrage? Why aren't people mad about this? Why isn't this frontpage news everywhere!?!

Yeah, we know: it was kinda-sorta reported on Tuesday that Congress had given itself a raise. But not even HuffPo, our favorite liberal news-blog, posted anything about how a day after this wage hike (despite record-low approval ratings) Congress rejected a Democrat-led effort to raise the minimum wage for ordinary Americans. It's been nine years since the last time Congress raised minimum wage to $5.15 an hour, and back then gas cost about a buck and a quarter a gallon. Nine years. And now Congress rejects efforts to finally raise it again, a day after giving itself a "cost of living" pay hike? Have they no shame?

And yeah, we know it was the House that gave itself the raise, and the Senate that rejected the minimum-wage hike, and that conservative morons will say that one things has nothing to do with the other. But we at PWTU disagree. And that's why we ask again: WTF??




PWTU Celebrates: The First Day of Summer

Today is summer solstice, the official first day of the season. We here at PWTU held a vote, and summer won as our favorite season by a comfortable margin:

And we also decided that who better to herald in the first day of the best season than deceased French novelist/playwright Jean-Paul Sartre, who would have turned 101 years old today?

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